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um... who me? uh i guess i'm the lounge's resident tranny. old school bustie formerly known as butta.

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entry Jun 25 2007, 11:11 PM
mood: crazy mad.gif sexy ohmy.gif cool cool.gif

so, i post on another site-- it's a futa fan site. for those not hip to this, futa is short for futanari, a japanese word for manga and anime cartoon women, who, well, lets say they are transgendered. to be more exact they are both, an imaginary female with both primary sex organs, a vajayjay and a penis. all though the definition changes depending on who you ask, that's the basics of it. some like futa with balls, with/without a vajayjay (usually westerners), while others prefer the traditional without balls, just a vajayjay and a dick where the clit would be. being transwoman i would think that the cross over is pretty obvious. anyways. i am bi, with a preference for women, and androgeny, so do futa get me hot, uh, oh my yes.

so on this particular forum there has been a debate, or discussion about whether liking futa makes you gay. one of the goddamn stupidest conversations known to man. not that i think anyone on that board is an idiot, i just think the premise is stupid, or more precisely: soooo 20th century.

anyone who is paying attention (and it would seem that very few people are), has become familiar with the current theory that neither sexuality or gender are a binary, either/or proposition-- there is more than just gay and straight, just as there is so much more than male and female. that is, after all, the subtext to all this "metrosexuality" bullshit, as well as feminism-- the confines of strict gender roles are suffocating us, so these little hiccups, or burps, or speedbumps or whatever you want to call them, are pressure release valves. ways that society redefines sex and sexuality so those that were anomolies are incorperated. i risk stating the obvious when i say that trans folk are on the outside edge of this redefinition. in many ways societies are still trying to figure out what the hell to do with people like me. (and i dare say, i don't help much by not sticking to femme gender roles by skateboarding and learning to weld.) it's not just 'white' or western societies, but asian, arabic and african ones too.

but back to this site and this discussion. i have said my piece in a few of the threads, but only made a turse, rather bitchy comment on this one, but a reply using a snippet from dan savage was enough to make me lose it. here is that post and my reply. i should say that i did not
ask the poster for permission to post it here. i figure it is public space, and their tag/handle/name/alias is not used. as implied, this was not the first reply to the topic, this was after


QUOTE
THEM:

I recently read an excellent description of "Non-Gay Futa Lovers" by Dan Savage. It refers to "she-males", but applies here too.

"Here's what's up with straight guys into she-males: Some straight guys like dick--I mean, they really like dick. They like dick so much that they want to play with dicks other than their own. But they're straight guys, so they don't want to play with some other dude's dick. They want to play with a dick that's attached to someone who in every other respect looks like a hot woman.... So is your husband gay? No. Gay men like dick to be attached to men, not women.... You see, very few straight guys into she-males are into them exclusively. They just want to mess around with a she-male, once or twice, now and then, so they can play with another dick. (Didja catch that? I wrote, "another dick," not, "another man's dick." He wants to play with a woman's dick. Cuz he's straight--see how that works?)"

Unfortunately, try to explain this to anyone with "normal" sexual values (i.e. someone not open to anything different) and it just won't wash.



ME:

meh. my problem with that argument (and not dan savage, that would take up a whole year of bitching and let me assure you, dude is a self rightious prick of the highest (or lowest depending) order.) is he looks at attraction to trans people not as a desire/sexuality in it's own right-- which it is, despite all of the chicken shit little fucks running around scared of their own sexuality-- but a novelty. this is the same asshole who, for years claimed there was no such thing as bisexual. to him, and said chickenshit guys, on this board and elsewhere, -- people like me are little more than sexdolls to be toyed with and tossed in the corner when that novelty has worn off.

if you said that about any woman you'd be called on your shit-- you'd be a misogynistic fuckstain. but because i am strong enough in who i am to know who i am internally and to transform myself into the person i know myself to be, then i am just a trifle? am i not entitled to be thought of as a human being?

at least have the balls to own your own sexuality. really. is it the worst thing in the world to be gay? some of you run from it like it's the same as being called a molester. i'm not saying that you are gay, like i said i think the desire for t-girls, futa what have you is something different that hetero or homosexuality, but is it that scary to be gay? it's not as if in this country you can't do almost anything and be gay, unlike being trans-- because of all this stupid fucking fear. please. do you really think you bear the brunt of this? child, let me tell you you don't. you're just a bunch of whiny bitches.

i'm sorry, XXXX and the other admin, but i have to call a spade a spade.

that's exactly why i don't do one night stands. guys act like they have so much to lose if they were open about their desires. but what would you lose? trust me when i say i have lost more than you ever will-- to be me-- to be free, while you worry your pretty little head trying to figure out if you are gay or not. please. i refuse to be your plaything if you can't own your desires. me and girls like me have done all the hard work, take all the shit for you to jerk off and hide.

grow up and grow some balls.


so, again, stating the obvious, this line of discussion really chaps my hide. and i am sure i come across as a bitch. i guess i'm ok with that. it crops up anywhere where people are curious about transmen or women, and it bugs me. i suppose it shouldn't. society and it's ideas change very slowly. and really, mine is the first post-stonewall generation. and even the stonewall generation tried to erase the contribution of my sisters, saying it wasn't trannies who started the stonewall riot, knowing full well that it was. it's always easier to erase or omit things or people who cause you shame. transexual history is all about that erasure. that surgical removal of parts contaning our bodies.

how funny i would write this after pride week here in the wetlands. it's not that i planed this, but yet here i am, lamenting how little progress there is when it comes to equality for trans people. i know, i know it shouldn't suprize me. even now, i am partly in the closet, partly invisible, when what i am advocating is to be open, to be honest, to be out about who one is. not that i tried to hide it, it's just in this macho environment is it really the best thing to have discussions on what transexuality means? meh. perhaps it is. but i have much more to lose than some asshole looking at a website.

i think about the author of that book on transmen who turned out ot be one of my teachers. and this last half year has been the first i've ever been even somewhat closeted. he's known walking that tight rope longer than i. i saw him the other day and he whispered that he went to the school library and found his book there, which he seemed ammused by. i would have thought he would have been a bit more unnerved by it, but maybe he's made his peace with the idea that people can know his (open)"secret." at first i think i was disappointed that he wasn't out, but like me, he is only human. he has to look out for himself and his wife. he has to live. but i think the thing that is going to change things for trans people is being out. but how can i expect anyone to do something i wouldn't myself. granted, i suppose i could pat myself on the back for the 10+ years that i did come out, but then, as i've said, i've already lost so much.

over the weekend my ex and i were watching a program, i think it was on the queer cable station, logo, called "the agressives" which was about kids (17-20 something) who are somewhere on that gendercontinum but aren't exactly butches, who call themselves agressives. they were all born female, and some of them thought of themselves as butch, some did not, some thought themselves trans, while others didn't some even thought of themselves as femme-agressive. one girl (how she identified herself) was a model, and talked about how she was NOT a butch. one of them talked about how she saw herself as trans, but a dyke, AND prefered dating transwomen and having "straight sex." there were so many twists in that last sentance that by the time she got to saying "straight sex" i haddnt the foggiest idea what that meant, exactly.... and that to me is beautiful. when i was working as a councilor for trans, and questioning youth, that was the thing i was so envious of of the kids coming up. the narrow little corridors of identification-- of declaring who they were were, who they could and would love would be blown wide open... hopefully. don't get me wrong. i was so glad to have that transexual label growing up, to know who and what i was, but it was only a short time before that became stiffling. i was, a trans woman, a t-girl, a tranny, a shemale, a trans-dyke, a t-dyke, a girl to my daddy, i was queer, i was transgendered, transexual, transcendant, i was finally me.

my ex and i have a strange relationship-- but then that comes with dating me i suppose. she's my daddy. it started off as a bdsm daddy daughter relationship, which may sound odd, me being born a genetic boy, her a genetic girl, but i see it more as an ability to see beyond those physical shells we inhabit to the real person. she is my daddy-- and i'm her babygirl. i affirm her masculinity, clear eyed, i love and worship it, and she sees my femininity, nourishes it, and gives me space to be my most private space, safely as i do for her. as weird as that sounds it's actually very heathy, very nurturing. even more strange, inspite of how it sounds there isn't any age play involved. it's not about how old i am its about how we relate to each other.

inside of that, we have talked about gender, and surgeries, with a wonderful honesty. i've told her that i've fantasized about getting a futa operation, if there was such a thing. i like having a penis, but i do so like the idea of having a vajayjay too. to me, i've always walked that line. in the middle, that space between, and to have both would be just a physical reflection of who i am. she has talked about sorting thru her being trans, and going back and forth on if she wants to get the top surgery. she, like me, is a walking contradiction. she is so butch that her gay co-workers would swear she's a gay man trapped in a woman's body. she's butch, but loves having a bright red pedicure. and she knows more about gay men's culture than most gay men, but she's dating me, sort of. as i say, it's strange. but the beautiful thing is those places inbetween, where possiblities bloom.

 
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