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um... who me? uh i guess i'm the lounge's resident tranny. old school bustie formerly known as butta.

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 | Category: art
entry Jul 6 2007, 09:25 PM
so, i was bored, and i thought, it'd be fun to draw a pic of a futa, but usually futa are done in a manga/anime style, which is fine, but personally, as much as i like anime and manga, the style is, well, it's generic. yes i can tell the differences between artists, but most of them are pretty much the same. and well, i find the style a bit boring as well. i favor clearlinists, which is all about style, it is haiku but in cartoon form, 40's ish, drained of all extra, un needed lines. and while i still can't resist adding more detail than i should, i thought it would be nice to see a futa in that style.

so here she is: my 40's futa....

entry Jul 6 2007, 02:15 AM
if the military we're talking about is the one in thailand, who has just put forward a new constitution that protects the rights of the transgendered... although they are stressing that it wouldn't condone "homosexual union" hmph. maybe they are only 2% less evil. ! link-a-liciousness !
thailand has been considered pretty liberal in this respect, but of course, there is always a (christian inspired) backlash, but much of this new additon, the idea that trans rights ought to be included has to do with the denial of a ts to get into a nightclub, specifically because she is a ts....atleast they are reacting in the right way. not like the folks here in the "land of the free(market)."

now let's see if it passes...

i dunno. it makes me kind of cranky if anything. i've hit a proverbial wall looking for work as a welder. yeah, i should have seen it coming, but i fall in love with an idea (like skateboarding) and i want to do it, ignoring the hurdles until i fall down and skin my knee. i guess it's just this: isn't my being human enough to ensure me of rights in the year 2007? instead, me being free of discrimination is called a "special right." that needs to be voted on, that my right to love is something to be determined by consensus.

if this is free, why do i feel short changed?

entry Jun 26 2007, 11:57 PM
more on the futa fan site:
Comment a:
[...]I'm not going to mince words. I'm a flat out freak. I've done so many perverted things for the sake of masturbation that it's not even funny. Anal play, auto fellatio, swallowing my own cum, urethral play and even peeing all over myself. In comparison, a little gay sex isn't so bad. To this day, I refer to myself as bi-curious, since I know I'm more attracted to women than men, though I admit I'm attracted to the penis. I don't say this to everyone, since it's not anyone's business anyway.

So where the hell am I going with this? Well, it's a little unfair to expect everyone to be so open about their sexuality (I'm friends with a lesbian, though she's much braver than I could be). Society sucks ass and it pressures us to pretend to be one thing, while demeaning our hidden desires that no one would want to hear. If most people that knew me even realized half the stuff I said here, they'd suggest to send me to psychotherapy again. We all have levels of insecurities and some of us are more secure than others. I'm not saying it excuses slanted views like Dan Savages - which is some of the biggest bull I've ever heard - but I can understand some reluctance. When the slightest mention of subtle homoerotica in heterosexual porn scares many self-described straight men, it's understandable. When many southern baptists look at gays as people worse than child murderers, it's understandable. When a college student said with total honesty that black men on the down low are the most despicable scum on the earth (though I'd rather omit race from this discussion, it's a seedy topic in the black community that I hear it way too often), then it's no surprise why some people hide in the closet. For god's sake, when one user in a message board gets slandered for his shemale porn collection on his desktop, it shows how ridiculous homophobia's gotten in this country.

Well at the very least, you don't get punished for it here like in other countries.

comment b:
Id like to state my opinion on the subject of "love" since it has been brought up a few times now.
(And donīt forget: Itīs my opinion, I donīt command you to accept it. ;)Wink )

It has been said, that love has little or even nothing to do with sex/gender. I strongly disagree.
If the above was true, then we would all the time hear guys say: "Oh, I have fallen in love with that man, but I canīt start a relationship with him because Iīm straight." And the reverse. People generally fall in love with the gender they prefer sexually. Exceptions only prove that. Otherwise they wouldnīt be exceptions.

People probably experience love in different ways. To some, it might not be as distinct as to me so I will try to loosely define the symptoms of love so it is clear what I mean.
In my experience, "true love" is not liking someone a lot. Liking someone very much is often called love because there is no separate word for it. I love my brother for example, but Iīm not in love with him. I have fallen in love often enough now to be able to distinguish the feeling. Love, to me, is when you think of somebody all the time. When you canīt stop looking at that person. When you have daydreams about that person. Your heart starts beating faster when you are near that person. Sometimes you are not even entirely sure, why you love that person but you would do anything to be with them. I never felt this way about a man and Iīm sure most straight men never have.

So I stick to my point that the gender you have ever fallen in "real love" with shows your sexual orientation.

Beside that point: No, I think the thought of being gay is not scary and it should not be. I have a few gay friends and colleagues and they are as human as everybody else. (Duh. Rolling Eyes ) But thatīs the sort of thread you have to expect on a futanari-board and I think you could have expressed your opinion a little more diplomatic, girl trouble. wink.gif

me and my big mouth comment:

yeah. i could have. but i didn't. i'm sure i came across as a super bitch. *shrugs* and i'm cool with that. it's not that there is a single person on these boards i don't like-- i think you're all a pretty damn cool lot, but on this topic i can only be diplomatic for so long. i'm sorry,i hear "oh, i might suffer stigma for being attracted to futa/t-girls." and it doesn't get that far with me, and my feeling is stop fucking carping and grow some stones. man up for fucksake!

do you think you can tell me that any stigma you might feel can hold a candle to the day i first walked out of my house dressed as a girl? do you think you have had to deal with a bit of what most t-girls have had to consistantly? and lord knows, i sympathize with those who had conservative up bringing-- i was expected to be a minister. my mom and grandfather were ordaned ministers. the church i grew up in was the first black church in the north half of the state, and my family founded it. conservative? yeah. i know that path. i have lost pretty much all of my family, no, i HAVE lost all of my family because they don't get it. they are probably praying as we speak for my damned soul. and i am supposed to shed a tear of pity cos what your friends might say? i can't do it. and it's not that i don't get it, believe me i do, i just think things need to be put in perspective.

lets say you admit you are attracted to some tranny you saw on maury, or the web, and maybe you get teased about it. or maybe your friends agree. they've seen some hot trannies too. whatever. but does it keep you from getting an apartment? a job? do people you don't know feel the need to talk shit about you cos the sight of you freaks them out? i think not. see, i can't feel sorry for about that. on the scale of things those fears? sooooooo light weight. in the next month i am trying to get into the boilermakers union. a old school hardcore union. one of my female friends who is doing this with me called them up and they are harrassing her, now, can you imagine what they will do to me? with my male birth certificate? with the letter m still on my driver's licence? if they even do let me in i'm in for hell. and i know that, but i persist, because i don't believe what other people say should stop me.

now: about your theory of love [c.....], again, my issue is that it returns to this regressive idea that sexuality is binary. it's not. that gender is binary. it's not. and while you may argue that my points are too avant garde, the point is you know that i speak the truth.

the reason this is important is that when we hide the truth, when we don't speak our truth, we are all the poorer for it. it is realizing that our experiences are not so strange. that our desires are not so different. it is finding that being comfortable with who you are is not only incredibly liberating, it liberates those around you.

that said, staying in that closet, silencing yourself, condemns not just you, but those around you too. i have a personal motto: be your own hero. i think you can figure out what that means.

but back to this thing of desire vs. love, since that was the direction we were heading. my objection, the one following the first, is a question: do you have the cahones to pursue that desire? lets say you met a t-girl, or in some strange world a futa. if you aren't up to even admit your attraction, can you ever be open to something more? it's easy to say that, well i've ever been gay because i've never fallen in love with a man...plenty of gay men do it. there are married men who slink into porno shops late at night and will do anything for a dick in their mouth, who will go to all the city parks and cruse right along with the out of the closets, and they have never fallen in love. and they never admit their attraction. do you think they are doing themselves any favors? do you think they will fall in love? yet, it is what they do. homosexuality isn't just what you do, it's what you desire. in that same way, attraction to futa-- trans women-- is no different. it's your sexuality. and there shouldn't be any shame in saying, i'm attracted to the female form. i love gg, and i have seen some ts girls that are pretty hot. not interested in guys, but more power to those who are. what is so hard about that?

entry Jun 25 2007, 11:11 PM
mood: crazy mad.gif sexy ohmy.gif cool cool.gif

so, i post on another site-- it's a futa fan site. for those not hip to this, futa is short for futanari, a japanese word for manga and anime cartoon women, who, well, lets say they are transgendered. to be more exact they are both, an imaginary female with both primary sex organs, a vajayjay and a penis. all though the definition changes depending on who you ask, that's the basics of it. some like futa with balls, with/without a vajayjay (usually westerners), while others prefer the traditional without balls, just a vajayjay and a dick where the clit would be. being transwoman i would think that the cross over is pretty obvious. anyways. i am bi, with a preference for women, and androgeny, so do futa get me hot, uh, oh my yes.

so on this particular forum there has been a debate, or discussion about whether liking futa makes you gay. one of the goddamn stupidest conversations known to man. not that i think anyone on that board is an idiot, i just think the premise is stupid, or more precisely: soooo 20th century.

anyone who is paying attention (and it would seem that very few people are), has become familiar with the current theory that neither sexuality or gender are a binary, either/or proposition-- there is more than just gay and straight, just as there is so much more than male and female. that is, after all, the subtext to all this "metrosexuality" bullshit, as well as feminism-- the confines of strict gender roles are suffocating us, so these little hiccups, or burps, or speedbumps or whatever you want to call them, are pressure release valves. ways that society redefines sex and sexuality so those that were anomolies are incorperated. i risk stating the obvious when i say that trans folk are on the outside edge of this redefinition. in many ways societies are still trying to figure out what the hell to do with people like me. (and i dare say, i don't help much by not sticking to femme gender roles by skateboarding and learning to weld.) it's not just 'white' or western societies, but asian, arabic and african ones too.

but back to this site and this discussion. i have said my piece in a few of the threads, but only made a turse, rather bitchy comment on this one, but a reply using a snippet from dan savage was enough to make me lose it. here is that post and my reply. i should say that i did not
ask the poster for permission to post it here. i figure it is public space, and their tag/handle/name/alias is not used. as implied, this was not the first reply to the topic, this was after


I recently read an excellent description of "Non-Gay Futa Lovers" by Dan Savage. It refers to "she-males", but applies here too.

"Here's what's up with straight guys into she-males: Some straight guys like dick--I mean, they really like dick. They like dick so much that they want to play with dicks other than their own. But they're straight guys, so they don't want to play with some other dude's dick. They want to play with a dick that's attached to someone who in every other respect looks like a hot woman.... So is your husband gay? No. Gay men like dick to be attached to men, not women.... You see, very few straight guys into she-males are into them exclusively. They just want to mess around with a she-male, once or twice, now and then, so they can play with another dick. (Didja catch that? I wrote, "another dick," not, "another man's dick." He wants to play with a woman's dick. Cuz he's straight--see how that works?)"

Unfortunately, try to explain this to anyone with "normal" sexual values (i.e. someone not open to anything different) and it just won't wash.


meh. my problem with that argument (and not dan savage, that would take up a whole year of bitching and let me assure you, dude is a self rightious prick of the highest (or lowest depending) order.) is he looks at attraction to trans people not as a desire/sexuality in it's own right-- which it is, despite all of the chicken shit little fucks running around scared of their own sexuality-- but a novelty. this is the same asshole who, for years claimed there was no such thing as bisexual. to him, and said chickenshit guys, on this board and elsewhere, -- people like me are little more than sexdolls to be toyed with and tossed in the corner when that novelty has worn off.

if you said that about any woman you'd be called on your shit-- you'd be a misogynistic fuckstain. but because i am strong enough in who i am to know who i am internally and to transform myself into the person i know myself to be, then i am just a trifle? am i not entitled to be thought of as a human being?

at least have the balls to own your own sexuality. really. is it the worst thing in the world to be gay? some of you run from it like it's the same as being called a molester. i'm not saying that you are gay, like i said i think the desire for t-girls, futa what have you is something different that hetero or homosexuality, but is it that scary to be gay? it's not as if in this country you can't do almost anything and be gay, unlike being trans-- because of all this stupid fucking fear. please. do you really think you bear the brunt of this? child, let me tell you you don't. you're just a bunch of whiny bitches.

i'm sorry, XXXX and the other admin, but i have to call a spade a spade.

that's exactly why i don't do one night stands. guys act like they have so much to lose if they were open about their desires. but what would you lose? trust me when i say i have lost more than you ever will-- to be me-- to be free, while you worry your pretty little head trying to figure out if you are gay or not. please. i refuse to be your plaything if you can't own your desires. me and girls like me have done all the hard work, take all the shit for you to jerk off and hide.

grow up and grow some balls.

so, again, stating the obvious, this line of discussion really chaps my hide. and i am sure i come across as a bitch. i guess i'm ok with that. it crops up anywhere where people are curious about transmen or women, and it bugs me. i suppose it shouldn't. society and it's ideas change very slowly. and really, mine is the first post-stonewall generation. and even the stonewall generation tried to erase the contribution of my sisters, saying it wasn't trannies who started the stonewall riot, knowing full well that it was. it's always easier to erase or omit things or people who cause you shame. transexual history is all about that erasure. that surgical removal of parts contaning our bodies.

how funny i would write this after pride week here in the wetlands. it's not that i planed this, but yet here i am, lamenting how little progress there is when it comes to equality for trans people. i know, i know it shouldn't suprize me. even now, i am partly in the closet, partly invisible, when what i am advocating is to be open, to be honest, to be out about who one is. not that i tried to hide it, it's just in this macho environment is it really the best thing to have discussions on what transexuality means? meh. perhaps it is. but i have much more to lose than some asshole looking at a website.

i think about the author of that book on transmen who turned out ot be one of my teachers. and this last half year has been the first i've ever been even somewhat closeted. he's known walking that tight rope longer than i. i saw him the other day and he whispered that he went to the school library and found his book there, which he seemed ammused by. i would have thought he would have been a bit more unnerved by it, but maybe he's made his peace with the idea that people can know his (open)"secret." at first i think i was disappointed that he wasn't out, but like me, he is only human. he has to look out for himself and his wife. he has to live. but i think the thing that is going to change things for trans people is being out. but how can i expect anyone to do something i wouldn't myself. granted, i suppose i could pat myself on the back for the 10+ years that i did come out, but then, as i've said, i've already lost so much.

over the weekend my ex and i were watching a program, i think it was on the queer cable station, logo, called "the agressives" which was about kids (17-20 something) who are somewhere on that gendercontinum but aren't exactly butches, who call themselves agressives. they were all born female, and some of them thought of themselves as butch, some did not, some thought themselves trans, while others didn't some even thought of themselves as femme-agressive. one girl (how she identified herself) was a model, and talked about how she was NOT a butch. one of them talked about how she saw herself as trans, but a dyke, AND prefered dating transwomen and having "straight sex." there were so many twists in that last sentance that by the time she got to saying "straight sex" i haddnt the foggiest idea what that meant, exactly.... and that to me is beautiful. when i was working as a councilor for trans, and questioning youth, that was the thing i was so envious of of the kids coming up. the narrow little corridors of identification-- of declaring who they were were, who they could and would love would be blown wide open... hopefully. don't get me wrong. i was so glad to have that transexual label growing up, to know who and what i was, but it was only a short time before that became stiffling. i was, a trans woman, a t-girl, a tranny, a shemale, a trans-dyke, a t-dyke, a girl to my daddy, i was queer, i was transgendered, transexual, transcendant, i was finally me.

my ex and i have a strange relationship-- but then that comes with dating me i suppose. she's my daddy. it started off as a bdsm daddy daughter relationship, which may sound odd, me being born a genetic boy, her a genetic girl, but i see it more as an ability to see beyond those physical shells we inhabit to the real person. she is my daddy-- and i'm her babygirl. i affirm her masculinity, clear eyed, i love and worship it, and she sees my femininity, nourishes it, and gives me space to be my most private space, safely as i do for her. as weird as that sounds it's actually very heathy, very nurturing. even more strange, inspite of how it sounds there isn't any age play involved. it's not about how old i am its about how we relate to each other.

inside of that, we have talked about gender, and surgeries, with a wonderful honesty. i've told her that i've fantasized about getting a futa operation, if there was such a thing. i like having a penis, but i do so like the idea of having a vajayjay too. to me, i've always walked that line. in the middle, that space between, and to have both would be just a physical reflection of who i am. she has talked about sorting thru her being trans, and going back and forth on if she wants to get the top surgery. she, like me, is a walking contradiction. she is so butch that her gay co-workers would swear she's a gay man trapped in a woman's body. she's butch, but loves having a bright red pedicure. and she knows more about gay men's culture than most gay men, but she's dating me, sort of. as i say, it's strange. but the beautiful thing is those places inbetween, where possiblities bloom.

 | Category: life
entry Jun 23 2007, 11:49 PM
mood: mad.gif dry.gif

you know i try to stay all pro-lady most of the time, but occasionally some girl's gotta be a dick. i was at a friends wedding today. it was a retro affair. she's a burlesque dancer as are most of her friends, and of course they are all into the retro thing, and dresscode was tiki attire manditory. i was stressed out since yesturday trying to figure out what to wear since i knew all the other girls would be dressed to the nines, and when i got there i realized i had the perfect dress at home. i'd forgotten all about it. so i stuck with what i brought: i wore a halter with purple red and orange stripes (sounds ugly but it's really quite stunning. it's kind of a sharkskin material, a tight black pencil skirt with and a red and white silk scarf, retro black heels (round toe pumps with white piping and bows if you must know) i had spend last night putting my hair in curlers so it would look cute and retro-y without being labored over since, well, it's a weave and one that needs to be taken out at that. but i had been experementing with curlers , curling irons and hairspray for the last two months in anticipation of this, so i had it figured out. if you haven't seen the picture of me in the say cheese thread, my hair is black with cherry red underneath. it's been this way for going on the last 2.5-3 years. so the wedding was nice, they played that john prine song "inspite of ourselves" which is such a cute, funny, sweet love song. it's the hipster couple's theme. i knew a couple 15 years ago in sf who wanted to get married to that song. it really is sweet. so everything but the cake has been cut, and i sit at a table where there were some people who i didn't know but had met, and this girl and her husband sit at the table with two of her friends. by this time my shyness is starting to kick in, dispite my trying to keep it at bay by getting slightly liquored up. now this girl has hair that is similar to mine but instead of the under red/over black thing, she's got stripes (not highlights mind you). but it's red/black. i'm sitting there minding my own business and she makes this catty comment about buying hair and makes a motion indicating me, and her friends look my direction.

now, i'm thinking, really?

here you are, a burlesque dancer/ pin up model, you fly all over the country and get paid to have your picture taken, your married to a guy in a pretty well known band, and you need to cap on me?


seriously? i'm not half as beautiful as you, i'm a tranny for fucksake, and you need to make a catty comment about me? are you really that insecure? are you really so egocentric as to think that i was trying to copy you with my hair? do you really think you are the only person with that hair combonation of colors?


well, there's four things i can say for sure: 1). you know sometimes women suck. guys are rarely so petty. 2)you got some serious issues you need to work out. 3) i am glad i'm not you. cos: 4) lady, you suck.

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sk8 boarding with a long board,
skateboard drifting
street art/stickers/graff/stencils
thriftin' and liftin'
asian cinema- particularlly korean films, movies from the 60's + 70's, screwball comedies of the 30s-40's, german expresionist film, horror and film noir, neo-noir, sci-fi particularly dystopias, self-reflexive film. film theory.
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subcultural histories. asian subcultures, american subcultures, historical tangents, politics,
gender theory, queer theory,
feminism, feminist theory, feminist film theory,
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