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About Me....

um... who me? uh i guess i'm the lounge's resident tranny. old school bustie formerly known as butta.

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entry Aug 9 2008, 06:24 PM
either 'once had a love' or 'fragile'


the funny thing about having a heart of glass,
the thing they never tell you,
and others never think of
is that it hurts to breathe.

most people think a glass heart
is this flat, two dimensional, <3.
it's not. it's closer to crystal,
and if you could see it outside my body,
you'd wonder how i survive.

it's got four parts like yours,
pumping blood in and out,
but it's full of sharp angles
that constantly puncture--
cutting my lungs and organs.

it's a labored thing, and when i feel too deep,
there is the danger of internal bleeding,
or damage to my insides, my viscera.
(or is the word offal, and i'm just delusional?)

yesterday, lost in your insouciance,
you jarred me, knocked me off balance,
and on my way down i remembered:

people always think hearts like mine
so clearly transparent and fragile---
shatter on impact. that's it, end of story.
nothing could be further from the truth.

the problem isn't the heart, or what it's made of,
it's the damage it does to the rest of me.
and that part of me that, like my ribs.
hides my pain from you and everyone else.

internally i'm covered, with old scars from old wounds
so when i felt a rip, my insides coming apart,
i just laid there. the weight of my heart
cutting me deeper and i felt the funniest thing:

a pained smile fighting with my face--
and a whisper under my breath:
i can't say i didn't see it coming...

i've heard that there are places,
up on mountains, or lost in deserts,
where people like me go,
to recuperate, to lick their wounds.

my heart wouldn't be in something like that,
so i prop myself up, wiping the blood
from my lips, inhaling deep.

entry Jul 23 2008, 01:27 AM
so i'm looking at pictures of raquel welch for my latest series of paintings on "contructed women" so naturally myra breckinridge is on the list. i've always had the hots for her, and well who wouldn't? but looking at these picures, another thought seems to surface:

i wanna live in a city with big hair. big, huge, ginormous, planet sized hair. there's always been a part of me who wishes i'd been born in the time of monster wigs, you know, the early to mid 60's. my favorite singers, style wise are bobby gentry and dusty springfield. perhaps it's that practically stillborn drag queen who lived in those few brief months i was on the circuit, the remains of dq-itis. instead i'm trapped. suffocating in a city where anymore eye make up than mascara is a sin, and you're likely to be pushed in front of a bus for donning more than lip gloss. *sigh* and what am i to do about my eyebrow fetish? daddy (mr.t to you) teases me about my latest eyebrow scheme-- i've shaved my eyebrows at their apex, out, so from the insides of my eyes to my pupils are still there, but the rest i draw on, so on days when i am feeling exotic i draw them on like the bride of frankenstein (what she calls my 'tuvok' eyebrows, geekily referring to the vulcan on some star track show), on days when i feel dramatic i square the apex off, and when i am feeling more subtle, i'll draw them rounded off. it really was just taking my eyebrow fixation to the logical conclusion. i used to change their shape every 2 or 3 weeks, and well that is simply not enough! now it is every 1-2 days! viva le brows!

*shaking my head*
god have mercy on my ever lovin' loopy brainsis...

 | Category: film
entry Jul 21 2008, 01:32 PM
so below is my take on the new batman movie, the dark knight. it contains no spoilers, and that brings me to the subject of this here para: why movie reviewers SUCK. it's not like they have to, i mean, i say they suck having been a film reviewer. i've written for all the major free papers in my burg, and well, film reviewers suck. but i should be clear. i don't only mean the majority of the ones who get paid to write about movies, i mean the movie bloggers too. yes, you. you really suck. but before you throw your rotten tomatoes (ha, ha) at me, let me give you a backhanded complement: you suck entirely no more or no less than most of the assholes in the paper. the problem with most reviewers nowadays (particularly the tv ones) is that they do nothing to illuminate their audiences understanding of what they watch. too often it's boiled down to talking about fucking weekend grosses, or a really shitty synopsis. another point is, they don't bother to learn about movies. seeing copious amounts of movies does not a film reviewer make.

that is all.

********

as for the dark night, i liked it, but i had some problems with it.

for me dc characters really need to be in that kind of mythic borderland between reality and fantasy. otherwise they don't quite hold up. the bm begins, was a bit stronger because it still stayed in that shadowland, yes, it was a more realistic batman, what with his batmobile, but it was still in an architecturally gothic landscape, and the scarecrow's explanation/psychotropics seemed to add even more unreality to things, think of the shots of batman on the horse, eyes blazing... the batman still inhabited a land of almost eternal darkness, and set against that, he loomed even larger. putting him in a real life chicago even still labeled Gotham, the quintessential Gothic city, batman can't help but look diminished.

if you watch any douglas sirk movies, he does something interesting-- his people are soap opera stock, like comics, usually well off, living in mansions, and they are normally-- in any other film or tv show-- shown in a way that makes them larger than life. but sirk did the exact opposite-- he put them in these mansions, but they seemed swallowed whole by them. they were not, the exact size of life, they were, smaller. the rooms were, like those in orson wells used in kane's san simeon, huge, cavernous, and the people in these cases, flailed, barely treading water. i don't think it was intentional, but i think for me that is what happened in this dark night.

now, i am certainly not saying i didn't enjoy it, but put in this real space, separated from his mythic status, the political questions raised in the film-- terrorism, privacy rights, vigilantism, torture, rendition -- are all the more troubling. granted we are talking about batman, a ubervigilante if there ever was one (eat your heart out bernard getz), but the dark knight tries to have it both ways, it is, (pardon the pun) two-faced, about it. it explicitly seems to be saying it's ok this once, but does things that seem to condone the patriot act. there are comments made that would lead you to believe that the joker is our stand in for bush, but then the vigilante that batman represents is the embodiment of the USA post 9/11.

like my sig used to say, on the whole it could have been crunchier, meatier, like bacon. at least in terms of it's message.

********
while people talk about how the dark knight is very dark, i can't help but comment about the joker's smile/scar it's actually a reference to a japanese film, ichi the killer you can see the references in ichi's movie poster here. i think i've posted in here about ichi before, and i never take moralistic stands on films (political stands, yes, moral stands, never), but ichi is the exception. it is by far the most brutal, depraved, fucked up, sadistic movie i hope to never see again. it's not the direction, i've seen and liked quite a few of takashi miike's films. this, was a whole 'nother kettle of fish.

*********
so, i know nobody replies to these questions when i ask, but i do so love talking about film (and i seem to be on a writing tear). i was talking with one of my favorite film folks about jack nicholson films, (spurred on by a coffee shop quiz), and we started talking about our fave jn films. so i'm curious which films busties like.

my all time fave is the last detail, his chinatown.


and if i haven't recommended the pledge (in a year or two), i still love it. it's a close to the bone, play-it-straight neo-noir. it does what all great noir films do. there is a scene in noir films where there is almost an 'unreality' to them, where they come unglued from the normal and symbolize all that the film is about. in the pledge it is when nicholson goes into a turkey farm. there is this great shot where he is talking to someone in a sea of turkeys walking around. i don't know if it translates to the small screen, but in the theatre there was a palpable feeling of vertigo. as if there was no solid place for these people to stand, and the world around them shifted. a great visual metaphor for all that goes on in the film. oh, and ps, it was directed by the fantastic sean penn.


entry Jul 21 2008, 12:38 PM
if nature abhors a vacuum, then vacuums abhor loose string.*


*if you don't know what i'm talking about, go clean out your hoover, dyson, dirtdevil or whatever..

 | Category: life
entry Jul 10 2008, 03:45 PM
dear gt,

you have been batted around quite a bit lately, haven't you? tsk. well that's too bad. but well, crying about it aint gonna get you fuck all, is it? there is a reason that you chose the name girl trouble, and it wasn't because things suck. it was because you wanted to give fair warning to those who wanted to fuck with you, you weren't gonna play nicey-nice. that you were gonna go after shit, that you were gonna fuck shit up. that you weren't gonna be passive. you weren't gonna be defensive. that you'd progressed from being tuff tittys, to a menace. that you were gonna be that person you admired. that you were gonna grow into her. that you'd do what was needed, grit your teeth and beat the hell out of whatever came next. that you could survive anything, cos you've been thru shit storms before and another one? fuck, another one was just breakfast, and lunch is coming quick. you've gone soft. you've let your guard down. it is any wonder that you caught one in your snotbox? that your glass jaw is shattered? fuck you, chica, take your fucking head out of your ass. no more crying, no more whining. let's throw out this hyper-acuity, in favor of they way you used to see things, this shit now? tsk. it's a small thing. it will pass. look further. right now it's strictly chin down, guard up, and look for that chink in the armor. don't just sit there, dumbass, grow into me. it takes guts, it takes passion, it takes strength. and if i didn't think you had it in you, i never would have chosen this path. it was the idea of me that made you pick this life. it is what has always been the thing that made you better. don't forget me. i'm your goal. you are way, way stronger, tougher, brighter that you ever give yourself credit for. it's time to stop beating up on yourself, and start beating up on them.

remember the mottos kitty gave you, back in the days when you were so scared? 'toughen up!' or 'get strong'?



don't be scared. i got a new one for you:

let's fuck 'em up!

with a shit eating grin and faith,
-next year's Trouble

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