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About Me....

um... who me? uh i guess i'm the lounge's resident tranny. old school bustie formerly known as butta.

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entry May 24 2009, 11:31 PM
so i've taken years to figure out what method i'd use to kill myself. it may sound funny that it's taken me years. people thing that deciding to kill yourself is something that you do on the spur of the moment. i suppose my hesitation was a combo of two things: one my xtian up bringing, the other my dislike of pain.

the xtian up bringing, i suppose, was a war of attrition. my faith in god, my belief in christiantity, i knew, would eventually be worn down to a nub. it's that fear of eternal damnation, hell, etc, that held me in check on some degree. but the other day i was thinking that quite honestly, the pain of depression is my hell. while it's not constant, the brief breaks between my hurt, are porportionally about equal to a few brief rest stops on a loooooooooong, long, super long marathon road trip. this depression is what i swim in, and every now and again, i come up for air... and treading water, well, sometimes it's so weary-making.

tracey would tell me that i didn't want to kill myself because the way i died would tie me to this space, to this place. that i would just be a ghost relegated to reliving my pain. i don't believe that. besides, i'm reliving my pain anyways. how would that be a change? her other theory is that i'd be reincarnated until i learned i grew beyond my pain. but i figure, life energy doesn't work that way. after death i think it mingles with other people's energy, and i won't be me next time around. i'll just be small parts of other people.

the dislike of pain, was the real problem. when you are in pain, you really don't want to add any more. life will do that on it's own. plus i don't really have access to guns or meds, so that limits things. for years my method was a noose. i could tie a working noose in 5 seconds flat. it's a strange thing to brag about, but learning a skill is learning a skill. the problem with hanging yourself is that it can take way too long, unless, you jump from a great enough height to break your neck. and while my apartment does have high ceilings-- enough for me to hang a noose from-- they aren't high enough for the jump. so what to do? then i realized that the internets would probably have a good solution for my problem. mostly it was a run around. articles about some guy in australia's suicide machine. useless. then flipping the channel i saw a show about a kazillion ways to die, one of which was a couple who died of suffocation because they climbed inside a huge helium basketball. helium, unlike some tanked gases has no oxygen content. and then it hit me. helium tanks are easily obtained. you can get them from a box store like walmart for less than $50. combine it with the doctor from down under's gas mask idea, and bang. it's just that easy.

granted there is still some figuring out in fitting the gas mask to the tank, but i doubt it should prove too difficult. but it is crucial-- when inhaling helium the first part is dizzyness, then disorientation, then with lack of oxygen the brain functions shut down. if ended to early, say, from a leak, or a miscalculation on the amount of gas, then i'd end up a vegetable. but if not, then i just go to sleep. no pain, no jumping, i just go under...

there is a party supply place near downtown. hopefully i'll be able to get a tank by the end of the week. if not many places deliver tanks by mail/fed ex. it'll cost a bit more, but it will be good to get this set up. i've been waiting a while for this, and i feel like my time is coming soon (i hope).

XXXX recently got on meds, and she bounced back, it's funny. i don't think she completely forgot me, but it's obvious she's moved on, and feels much better. she doesn't need my help, my support. so i fade. actually, i'm kind of glad of that. sometimes friendships are so much weight. i used to think that part of the reasons that i pushed people away was because i didn't want to deal with them rejecting me because i was transgendered, but i think it's just as much that i really want to fade. friendships, entanglements.... make that more difficult in the same way that they made transitioning more difficult. i know it's where i will end, and i'm fine with that. but people's expectations get in the way....

many of my friends are on meds, and sometimes i think i should get on them too, but quite honestly, i'm looking forward to this. i remember reading this story in junior high about a girl who disappears one day. she wasn't kidnapped, she just started to fade and no one really notices. she just starts to fade. all traces of her, memories just disappear. i think that's the way i am meant to go. to just fade. i think there will be a few people who might be sad for a bit, but all and all, i don't think i will really be missed. not really. my friends, such as they are don't give me much thought, and why should they, i don't really go out, so they don't expect to see me. i don't call, so they don't expect to hear from me. i've been slowly fading, and no one at all has bothered to notice. so why would i want to take meds? so i can be happy that no one really misses me while i'm alive? ha. that doesn't make a lick of sense. no, i've always thought that i should have faded away a long time ago, after i read that book, i think, and since then i've just been loitering, living, if you can call it that, on borrowed time. besides, what am i supposed to do? cry for help? no, i don't want to be a drama queen, but even if i did, no one knows what i am talking about. i speak in my codes, and my friends don't listen to my words anyways. no, i'd rather just fade.

my bones have been aching again i haven't felt them do that in years. it's what happens when i am really in pain. but lately it's been more frequent. it's what makes me think i'm close. the idea that i might not make it another year actually makes me kinda happy. it will be so nice not to feel this pain.

i can't wait for my pain to end... although i know i will. but that's ok. i know it's coming. it could be a couple of months, or a year, but i will get there.

 | Category: politics
entry Dec 27 2008, 05:53 PM
fuck obama redux.

i know, i'm telling everybody to fuck off, but as a queer woman, this rick warren thing is burning lots of bridges for me. i don't have a simplistic view of it, as you know reading my last fuck the.... post, but it just galls me, people who think the warren thing is no big deal. so i'll spell it out for you, incase you haven't a clue.

these things, these events, prop 8, the warren thing, they don't happen in a vacuum. they are societies permissions for assholes to mistreat other americans. when a whole state says it's ok to deny a whole people their HUMAN rights, does that not say they are less than human? when a president elect, fast on the heels of such a public event elevates a biggot from that same state to a national stage, does he not say, to some degree, that he agrees with it, in that he is willing to devalue their cries and pain? do they not both say, that the violence-- verbal, physical, sexual and psychological is ok? that they will look the other way? is that not what obama is saying? when he turns a deaf ear to the protests? how can he not understand the situation when it is called a "sista soldja momment" by pundits? does he not understand the insult that was caused by clintons when that occurred? granted, obama isn't terribly into rap, but how could he not understand the insult of that "moment?" sista soldja-- who had written a book just before the clinton snub, that pushed forward many of the same ideas obama and clinton espoused-- not being slutty, having self-pride, working for community, and taking responsibility-- was made into a scapegoat . not for the betterment of our country, but for crass, immediate partisan gain. to appease white rural/conservatives. for people who were not even ever going to vote for him.

i try to think of obama as a smart guy, but this-- he-- is stupid. there is a price to be paid for this stupidity too. not by him, not by warren, but by us. the everyday people who bear the brunt of such craven stupidity. here we have a case in point. in that supposed bastion of tolerance, san francisco. thanks to poly for the link.

Lesbian's brutal gang rape investigated in Calif.

By LISA LEFF, Associated Press Writer – Tue Dec 23, 2:41 am ET

AP – Lesbian allegedly gang raped by 4 men
SAN FRANCISCO – A woman in the San Francisco Bay area was jumped by four men, taunted for being a lesbian, repeatedly raped and left naked outside an abandoned apartment building, authorities said Monday.
Detectives say the 28-year-old victim was attacked Dec. 13 after she got out of her car, which bore a rainbow gay pride sticker. The men, who ranged from their late teens to their 30s, made comments indicating they knew her sexual orientation, said Richmond police Lt. Mark Gagan.
"It just pushes it beyond fathomable," he said. "The level of trauma — physical and emotional — this victim has suffered is extreme."
Authorities are characterizing the attack as a hate crime but declined to reveal why they think the woman was singled out because of her sexual orientation. Gagan would say only that the victim lived openly with a female partner and had a rainbow flag sticker on her car.
The 45-minute attack began when one of the men approached the woman as she crossed the street, struck her with a blunt object, ordered her to disrobe and sexually assaulted her with the help of the other men.
When the group saw another person approaching, they forced the victim back into her car and took her to a burned-out apartment building, where she was raped again inside and outside the vehicle. The assailants took her wallet and drove off in her car. Officers found the car abandoned two days later.
The woman sought help from a nearby resident, and she was examined at a hospital. Although the victim said she did not know her attackers, detectives hope someone in the community knows them. One of the men went by the nickname "Blue" and another was called "Pato," according to authorities.
Richmond police are offering a $10,000 award for information leading to the arrest of the attackers.
Gay rights advocates note that hate crimes based on sexual orientation have increased nationwide as of late. There were 1,415 such crimes in 2006 and 1,460 in 2007, both times making up about 16 percent of the total, according to the FBI.
Avy Skolnik, a coordinator with the New York-based National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs, noted that gay, lesbian and transgender crime victims may be more reluctant than heterosexual victims to contact police.
"Assailants target LGBT people of all gender identities with sexual assault," he said. "Such targeting is one of the most cruel, dehumanizing and violent forms of hate violence that our communities experience."
Skolnik said the group plans to analyze hate crime data to see whether fluctuations may be related to the gay marriage bans that appeared on ballots this year in California, Arizona and Florida.
"Anytime there is an anti-LGBT initiative, we tend to see spikes both in the numbers and the severity of attacks," he said. "People feel this extra entitlement to act out their prejudice."

 | Category: politics
entry Dec 27 2008, 05:51 PM
fuck obama....and the gay community too.

i'm sure you're thinking, wha?! fuck obama and the gay community too? but follow me here, k?

i know what obama was trying to do with having that prick-that-shall-not-be-named doing the invocation at his swearing in. it wasn't some sort of turn the other cheek, "bringing sides together" move. to the contrary-- this was done to quell the right. some stat came out that most people on the right still think that he is a muslim -- what is the best way to get a second look for those people and quash some of the resistance on the right?

pick a very visible right wing preacher to do something with high visiblility.

this is a totally selfish act. he is doing it, not with an eye towards bringing people together-- the inauguration isn't for all the citizens-- to the contrary, it's a celebration for all of the people who worked to put you into office. it's for your supporters, obama. not to further your political aims. not for some statement. the inauguration is to thank those who busted your ass for you. not to elevate a bigot to a higher platform.
don't tell me that it makes people think. prop 8 did that. don't tell me that this is that different kind of politics that obama was talking about. the religious right has been pandered to for more that 8 years. how is this any different? i call bullshit.

instead of giving us a reason to celebrate, to hope, you've taken a group of people who are already smarting from a recent political defeat, and not just slapped them, but spit in our face to boot. you've just disillusioned a lot of young queer people. good hustle on that, (commander in) chief.

i know there are those who say there are bigger fish to fry, and to that i agree-- but i think this was so insulting that a stink should be made about it, and there is certainly some bad blood flowing my way towards our incoming president.

i've caught heat from my liberal friends because i've never liked the clintons-- they did some things that pissed me off before they got into office, that i still dislike them for, and it looks like obama is going down the same road. i don't give a fuck about if they've got a D or an R after their name it's what they do.

and this is not a good sign.

this ain't change i wanna believe in.

that said, even though i know it's cutting off my nose to spite my face, i can't say i feel sorry for the gay community. they cry about getting 'thrown under the bus' but it was less than a year ago that most gay people were more than happy to throw trans people under the bus with a gay rights bill that was put forward by none other than barney frank, the senate's openly gay senator. he bowed and scraped, and kissed republican ass in stripping trans people out the bill which ultimately failed anyways. so fuck y'all too. y'all were talking about "we will get you in later..." and "it's too soon for trans people." yeah, whatever. the issue is that transpeople are the most visible, most vulnerable part of the queer community, and you are ashamed of us. all the same we are more likely to be kicked out of the house as a teen, more likely to be shunned by friends, most likely to be assaulted, most likely to be suicidal, more likely to be killed, but you were more than willing to sell us down the river. now that you are being told you have to wait, that crow you're eating don't taste too good right now, does it?

i'd like to think you'd learn your lesson, but somehow i doubt it.

 | Category: life
entry Nov 23 2008, 10:49 AM
a crossdressing friend of mine sent me this from a local craigslist ad:

Where is TS NXXXXXXXX? Sexy dominant black/brazillian - m4t - 40

It has been atleast 2 years now. I used to see this very sexy, tall dominant Tgirl escort.She is a mix of black and Brazillian. We hooked up on a phone chat line initially. She lived in XXXXXXXX in Seattle.She used a few different names but I knew her as NXXXXXXXX. She was truly amazing. Her looks and voice were unbelievably sexy. A true fantasy girl. I have lost her number and I do not see her advertising in any of the escort listings. Anyone have info? Thank you.

i know these things follow you, but when they do it's always like....ugh. it followed me. hmph.

i don't know what is going on, but there is something weird in the air. i like to chalk it up to 2008 and hope this year of hell will slip away quietly. too much bad shit has happened to people i care about...

i had a preminition, as i do sometimes, and as soon as it hit, i thought is mr t or her roomate in the hospital?

i should explain. my preminitions are not visions of what significant thing is going to happen in my life, but rather, a marker of when it is going to happen. something good or bad-- something important will happen within 3 days of them "hitting."

i should backtrack.

because of my hormones, i rarely remember my dreams, most of my preminitions don't come thru either. which is a good thing. before hormones i had 2 kinds of dreams: preminitions, which were just snippets of time on a notable date, (see above) or horrible, bloody, gorey recurring nightmares where everyone i've ever known/cared about his killed slowly in great detail in front of me. the nightmares can be episodic, lasting 2-4 nights in a row, with seamless continuity, or can just be one episode. but they are recurring. so i can dream the same nightmare either 4 nightly episodes, and then it repeats for 4 more nights of hell, or i can dream the single episode again and again for 4 nights.

not fun.

so you can see why i don't miss my dreams or want to remember them. the preminitons are a relief. they are utterly mundane. it's usually a conversation with someone i've not yet met, in a setting i'm not familiar with. so it's not deja vu. i can have the actual dream about what happens months before it hits. but just before it does, it's like the stars are aligning. the "scene" starts to brighten, and i remember exactly what will be said, i notice something, and then it's like a count down when a live show is about to go to air, and things slow just a bit.!

the people deliver their lines on time, and in 5 seconds it's over.

nothing important is ever said that relates to anything (near as i can figure). again. it's just a time marker. something is going to happen.

later that day, i was skating home and tried to avoid a low, not paying attention couple. i tried to swerve around them, but hit the curb, i flew, my wrists catching the brunt of the impact slamming them on the sidewalk.

*more later*

entry Oct 29 2008, 09:14 PM
wow. i thought the ad was stupid and wonky in the regular lounge, but in the blogs it's just obnoxious.

today was a good day.

i got to come back to the welding shop, which was nice, it's not looking like i'm going to be back past friday, but i might be suprized. who knows. but what made the day was walking towards one of the loading doc, and a delivery woman, smiled -- beamed, really-- upon seeing me, and said, "it's a girl! i never see a girl working here in the shop!"

it made my day. as silly as it sounds, it's still shocking to me when i pass. see i started my transition i had a punk rock fuck you kinda attitude. i never thought i'd pass. i didn't really try. i rarely, and still rarely dress up, wear dresses or skirts. sure i love make up, but i never wear foundation. and my skin has hyper pigmentation in the goatee areas. while my face is feminine, i always assume everybody knows, and is just being polite. so for this lady it wasn't a matter of being polite. she didn't know me from er... adam?

and it's not that i'm all gussied up. i'm in a wood and metal shop, fer chrissakes, fabricating museum displays.

here is my usual outfit, which i was wearing today:
workboots or sneakers
shapeless, almost oompa loompa-esque oversized overalls,
a thick, oversized hoodie underneath,
head scarf
ski cap

so it wasn't that i was wearing a skirt and heels. it wasn't that my hair or wig was all fancified. it wasn't. i was half covered in millscale dust. my skin probably looked slightly greyed.

it's a girl!

why yes, it is!

biggrin.gif biggrin.gif biggrin.gif

but now i'm thinking, since i will be back on the unemployment roles on monday, that perhaps i ought to go back to dispatching, since i found an ad for a good paying position doing hvac work.

which might be the right ticket. since the grinding i spent all day doing hurt my elbow and the wrist that i shattered a few years ago.

as much as i like all the learning i'm doing, and the physical work, i think it might be time to jump ship. which sucks. it's been just over a year since i went to welding school.


but i do like the idea of getting the hang of business casual, and learning that girly girl thing. as well as finishing all of that transition stuff.

fingers officaly crossed.

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