cuttin' it close with your hostess, lady schick! :: girl, it's trouble.
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um... who me? uh i guess i'm the lounge's resident tranny. old school bustie formerly known as butta.

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entry May 9 2008, 12:41 AM
so my car got stolen or towed or something. i'm not quite sure. didn't really have time to find out. i went to work and took no lunch because i have an electrolysis appt. took liquicaps to take away the pain, and came home and passed out.

at least it didn't happen on my birthday.

speaking of which, my mom sent me a card and a package. here is a post i put on the lounge's letters you will never send thread:
hey mom,

got the card you sent today. and the package is still at the post office. part of me wants to send them back crossing out the "carlos" part of it. i'd bet you can't even remember my name anymore. ha.

s'not like you ever bothered to learn it. hell, i'd bet you never said it once. when i told you what i'd changed my name to, i doubt you even listened. so like you, pretend the problem doesn't exist. what did you tell car? oh, your brother's into "weird stuff." lol... i guess i can be sure you don't talk behind my back.

part of me honestly wants to hurt you. part of me wants to ignore your up coming birthday. more than likely i will. why should i give you the time of day, when you never bothered to listen, you never bothered to know me. you wanted your son back, and you know, i couldn't blame you for that, but after the first 7 years i waited for you to figure out he wasn't coming back, i just felt-- feel like, fuck you. seriously. it didn't help that you bullshitted me. saying you'd come to visit me, but putting the date off for 3 mos, while i waited. and like before i just held on like a sucker. the last year or two that i've stopped talking to you have been hard, but it's been easily one of the best decisions i've ever made. i needed to cut that cord, and i'm getting my electrolysis finished, and by this time next year i'll have gotten a boob job. then maybe i'll talk to you. once carlos is gone forever. i don't know why i waited so long for you to take your head out of your ass.

no, that's not true. i know why i waited. because i loved you, because i thought you were better than you are. because i wanted to maintain a relationship with you.

you know if i have one real regret, it would be that i wasted so much time on you. not just that 7 years after i transitioned, but all that time in highschool. after university. i wanted your approval for so many things. i was such a fool to think you could handle this. i think i'll open your letter, but i'm still not talking to you. not till next year.

then i'll call you, and say,
hey mom, your very own son's never coming back. and if he did he'd say one thing to you.

so i opened the card.
she asked for forgiveness. i don't think i'll contact her anyways.

last time i talked to her i told her i didn't want to talk to her till she realised that her son wasn't coming back, and she was ready to accept me as i am, but she continued to send me things, and email me. but the fact of the matter is that what i said was true. not talking to her has allowed me to grow in ways i never could while i was waiting for her to figure things out. nows my chance to grow into me, and i'm not giving that up for nothin'.

on a side note, ER had an episode with a transwoman whose parents didn't know, and that she didn't talk to. in hindsight, i think that might have been a better choice for me. but what can i do now?

the electrolysis went well, S said that my hair is already thining. i think the twice a week for 2 hours was a good idea. god i can't wait. seriously. i am hoping 2 months will be enough for my whole face. the boobs thing may take more time, but i am glad that i am finally coming together. the work situation is better than i thought, but it still sucks to go to work with a few days growth. on the upside, S said that hair that is too long makes it more difficult, so 4 days growth seems to be the optimum. so there i do get a day of being clean shaven once a week, but my face is fucked up with my skin pushing out the hair and the folicle so it's almost blistery, or it's a bit scabby. so it's not like i get off scott free. as much as that weird glitch in my head-- the one where i see that boy when i look in the mirror-- has resurfaced, there are times when i see me clearly. it's at those times i chomp at the bit. i want to hurry things. it's always nice to love what-- and who-- you see in the mirror.

now it's just a matter of waiting. a matter of when.

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