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About Me....

um... who me? uh i guess i'm the lounge's resident tranny. old school bustie formerly known as butta.

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entry Aug 20 2007, 06:47 PM
the site ate my 1st version of this post, so this is the less funny, observant, and witty, truncated version.

so... its starting.

i always forget how much i need to be employed. i think i love the freedom of being self-employed, but i get too crazy. i spiral down, i get agoraphobia. i stop talking to my friends.... i need a job where i am forced to leave the house. it's too bad since i think a part of me would love to stay in and paint all day...

so i got a windfall, and i found an electrologist, again. meh. i always start, but then work troubles intrude and, well here it is years later and i'm still fucking shaving every morning. argh. i always make it the primary goal when i get a job, but it always takes too long, and well, it's one thing to hire a tranny, but when she starts growing a beard a few weeks into things. and is stubbly half the week. and have to be. the electologist needs to have hair long enough pluck so, that means i have to go without shaving 2-3 days a week. you know that saying you can't make a purse out of a sow's ear. it's not like it's wham or miami vice type stubble, this is pretty thick. and take my word for it... beards and lipstick clash like you wouldn't believe.

i've started the new job welding, and one of my co-workers, this sweet girl, who i think is maybe 19-- impossibly naive-- told me that a guy who she was working with was making fun of me. she said he was saying i was a guy. my usual reply is that, "i always get that." neither confirm nor deny. she said that i can't be a boy since they wouldn't have let me in the women's locker room if i was a boy.

and then at the end of the week i've got facial hair....

it's hard enough doing this already, i'm still on probation for the first 90 days, and these bits of friction... i can't do anything cos in washington state it's a fire at will state, so inspite of anti-discrimination laws, they can give any reason they like to have rid of me. my last job let me go because they felt the job was "too confining" for me. i get sailing along thinking a job is going well, and i work my butt off, and then there is nothing. electolysis is off again, and i have to start all over again... another year shaving.... spinning my wheels. i hear so many stories of trannys who get so much done, electrolosis or laser, boob job and by the second year have srs.....and here i am years later... my life in fits and starts again... i think everything would be at least be a bit better with my face taken care of.... it just seems never ending.

i went out with l last week and told her that daddy and i got back together again. she looked disgusted. i suppose most of it is my part. i'm really a homebody. i'm older than most of my friends, and a night of drinking and dancing, well, it does little for me most of the time, and i am a super flake. really. if it weren't for my being a fantastic listener, my spot on advise, and my utter and complete idolization of all of my friends, and constant praise of their virtues, i would be the worst friend ever. i rarely call anyone (i dislike phones), i rarely show up when envited to parties (i dislike crowds, or groups of more than 5 people), and more often than not, i'd rather be at home with the person i'm dating or out seeing movies or some such. i prefer my friends separately for the most part, since when my friends know each other they tend to disgard me... in this case when daddy and i were initially dating i would always flake when l invited me to her parties. l is my polar opposite. gregarious, constantly sunny, and the consumate entertainer, she is one of those social butterfly types who, goes nuts unless she throws a party atleast once a month. consumed by guilt, i dragged myself and daddy to one of her parties, using daddy as the excuse for leaving early. it was only fair, since i insisted on being her excuse for anything she didn't want to do. a company function? i was having a fit, and we were fighting. we weren't but still, who could blame her for trying to deal with this personal issue? when her co-workers would meet me they would be suprized. when forced to go to such events, i would enjoy myself, being charming, witty, funny, and nice. they would always talk about what a great gf i was, attractive, and interesting (my secret is to let them do all the talking. i would leave the party knowing their life story, but they couldn't tell you a thing about me other than i could converse about anything, and was dating daddy.) but using your date/mate as an excuse has drawbacks, which i always kind of knew, but never really minded before. perhaps it was because i was always the excuse. now that daddy is the excuse, i realize how fucked up doing that is. i don't think daddy gets a fair shake with one of my best friends, and that isn't very cool. but it's too late. daddy has been exceptionally good about making me socialize with my friends even when i'm lazy and would rather just stay home and draw. she and i are alike in our homebody-ness so i push her to be social too, which i'm glad of, but i hate the idea that l blames daddy, when daddy is so good to me. it kind of breaks my heart....

meh. i need to work on a paintng, so that's all for now.


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sk8 boarding with a long board,
skateboard drifting
street art/stickers/graff/stencils
thriftin' and liftin'
asian cinema- particularlly korean films, movies from the 60's + 70's, screwball comedies of the 30s-40's, german expresionist film, horror and film noir, neo-noir, sci-fi particularly dystopias, self-reflexive film. film theory.
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