cuttin' it close with your hostess, lady schick! :: girl, it's trouble.
BUST Blogs Help Search Members Calendar Blogs

Welcome Guest [ Log In | Register ] ]

About Me....

um... who me? uh i guess i'm the lounge's resident tranny. old school bustie formerly known as butta.

ph34r.gif
my new {wo([manifest]o)}



Etc...
my waxdj link:
Dj lady Schick

guest map:

My Blog Links

entry Jun 20 2007, 05:58 AM
sorry i've been neglecting my blog, i've just been struggling thru the welding classes. this week is the last week and today. i have a job interview. i feel a lot of trepidation. i was hoping to have a new id with a f designation on it, but well, as is to much the case with my life, "the best laid plans of mice and ....yeah."

my doctor who i thought was so outstanding has been impossible to reach, but slow to help me finish this thing. i certainly need it changed before i apply for the union. that is going to be scary enough without any extra turbulance.

socially, things in the welding class are going really well. which i find odd. it's not that this is this class, this is a program, meaning you get to know your classmates, since you have to take several classes together.

the thing about being a transexual for me, is, and perhaps it is just this point in my transition (10+ years and counting, just so's you know), that i'm stealth. i.e. i'm not "out" as a transexual-- "woodworking" in slang terms, from the phase "fading into the woodwork." it's not that that was my intention. it wasn't for most of this part of my life i have been out, intentionally, pointedly so. but the last job, no-one asked, or brought it up, and what am i gonna do, come into work with it tatted on my forehead?

from there i got into this program, and while a couple of my classmates (and teachers) have made comments, or jokes, but they were the kind you wouldn't tell in front of the person, unless you were an ass. and there are a few asses in the class, but still..... the majority of them i suppose don't know or don't care. and, well, i would be understandably loathe to take a poll on the matter. most of the time i feel like, really? are you really not seeing thru my disguise? do you not see me here? how strange that it feels almost like a disguise-- like a fake mustache-- but i am a skeptic, a pessimist, so i find it really hard to beilive everyone doesn't know, and isn't just being patronizing. but whacha gonna do? tattoo it on your forehead?

i'm still not, it seems, sure of the idea that most people take me as a girl. it's something that takes a lot of getting used to, even if it's been your wish for years, or even if it is your deepest understanding of who you are. it's not as bad as it used to be. i don't answer to my birth name anymore (carlos, in case you were wondering), but there is this really odd, out of body dissonance in this life. it's this tipping point that ive hit. seeing more of a girl in the mirror than a boy, and this one took me years. occasionally, i still see the boy, but he seems to appear less frequently. now it's seeing this girl with slightly boyish features. but internally i feel almost as if i'm not there-- it's strangely the inverse of that girl who would look in the mirror when i was young who saw nothing but boy. i knew i was there-- it was my eyes-- those were mine... same now, but instead of being opressed by my body, locked in it, now i feel more etherial... more aware of my soul, the essence of me. that distiliation of girl trouble.... but now i'm getting slilly.

i say all of this because today one of my classmates came over to my table where i was talking to someone and said... "i hate math! the math teacher always gets into my space and touches me. i don't like guys touching me."

my knee jerk reaction was, you're telling me this? really? it's not like i'm touchy feely. infact i was much more touchy feely when i was a boy. i have been so--- cautious about transphobia, homophobia that i have become a bit physically withdrawn, compared to my boyself, who was quite comfortable saying i love you to my friends that were guys, giving them a hug, etc. but now i rarely do. i think mostly because i was transphobic when i was a boy. it cut too close to the bone, and well, i think anyone who knew me at that time- 18 thru 22, can tell you i was not terribly comfortable in my skin, or with who i was.....

the ironic thing is, that that math teacher he is homophobic about.... well, he's a transman. he wrote one of my favorite books about transexuals. i would think he would feel more comfortable around him than me. but maybe that's because i have this knowledge. the math teacher is very passable, as most f2ms are. he comes across as gay, but male. *shrug* but my classmate doesn't know that.

i do wonder what they do know. a couple of the guys have hit on me, the one who has done it most consistantly, has said that he has dated "a queen" before. he called his queen a he, but seemed to think it was pretty great, if a little suffocating. he said that she (i can't call her he, it goes against my grain, sorry), paid all the bills, and gave him spending money too. so i can see why he'd want to get with me, too. he doesn't seem like he is the "gravy train" type, but then, he's not my type either.

the other guys, seem oblivious, but this one guy, i call him "soggy jebus" cos after welding he wets his hair down in the sink, and, well he looks like our lord and savior. soggy jebus, has already slept with the other girl in class, and seems to have set his sights on me. he constantly winks at me, and makes those flirty little dirty jokes you make when you like someone. today he was making lots of those jokes...

as i said, this is the last week of welding, and as excited as i am, i feel so unprepared, although, when it comes to tig welding, i am #2 in my class behind a guy who has had a whole semester of tig welding more than me. everyone else has been focusing on mig and dual sheild welding, so they can get certification if possible. there's not a tig cert to get, so i rely on my skill to sell me.

last week one of my classes ended early, the teacher quit infavor of a better job, but as i was the last one there he took the time to tell me:

"i just wanted to tell you, you are one of the bravest people i've ever met."

me: really? lol. why? i don't think i am particularlly brave.

"well, a few years ago i was counciling a guy going thru somethng similar, and he hated his body so much---
he-- well he castrated himself. it just made me understand, this isn't just something chosen."

me: yeah. that's why i don't really get why people say i'm brave. if you have no choice in the matter, how brave is it? i wouldn't have castrated myself, but i would definately be dead if i haddn't gone down this path. but i can't see as i'm brave."

"let me put it this way: you're not in the baking department, you're not in the hair or makeup department-- you're in the WELDING DEPARTMENT. and that takes courage."

me: yeah, well i guess you do have a point there. i guess i'm not good with complements.

"well get used to it. you are one of the bravest people i've known, and this thing you're doing? you wear it well. best of luck to you."

i was telling this story to d, and she agrees. she says what i am doing is really brave. it's kind of funny, i guess i really can't see it that way. perhaps if i play dumb in this respect it will be easier, who knows.



 
« Next Oldest · cuttin' it close with your hostess, lady schick! · Next Newest »
 
2 user(s) viewing
2 guest(s)
0 member(s)
0 anonymous member(s)

Interests....
interests:
sk8 boarding with a long board,
skateboard drifting
street art/stickers/graff/stencils
art/television/radio/magazines/
(video)gaming
thriftin' and liftin'
asian cinema- particularlly korean films, movies from the 60's + 70's, screwball comedies of the 30s-40's, german expresionist film, horror and film noir, neo-noir, sci-fi particularly dystopias, self-reflexive film. film theory.
almost any genre of musics, particularly soul, r&b, jazz, blues, old, new and true school hip-hop, jump blues, jazz vocals, "incredibly strange music", "golden throats", odd covers, asian underground, cock rock, hair metal, j and k pop and hop, the "countrypolian" sound, rockabilly, surf, soundtracks and theme songs, swing, big band, lounge, tradional ez listening, bossa-nova, international pop.
subcultural histories. asian subcultures, american subcultures, historical tangents, politics,
gender theory, queer theory,
feminism, feminist theory, feminist film theory,
transgendered issues.

and welding! yay for OAW!!!!

blog categories:
music
film
politics
art
etc
las hormones y vida travisti
all categories

Search My Blog