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um... who me? uh i guess i'm the lounge's resident tranny. old school bustie formerly known as butta.

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entry Dec 20 2009, 10:10 PM

i hate that i am so held hostage by my insecurities. they say that transitioning is like a second adolescence, and it's true. add my issues with abandonment, and well, all i am is weak.

it's a funny thing, i've transitioned to the point that i pass really well, even with my 6'1" frame. i've been ignoring it for some time, but guys are constantly rubbernecking to look at me. when crush girl and i were hanging out, she was constantly pointing it out. but she's not alone, anytime i meet a girl and we start hanging out, she points it out. "did you see that guy checking you out?" nope. really, i had no idea. the first couple of weeks she was incredulous. how can you not notice?!

i can't, don't notice, because i'm more interested in women, firstly, second because for me, the first few years of transitioning are so terribly awkward. you have to get over what has been your greatest fear for most of your life: going out 'in girl mode.' and it's terrifying. especially if you don't have a car. getting on a bus is still a dodgy proposition for me because of the grief some highschool kids gave me early on. white kids just look and whisper. black kids? they call you out. loudly. they want you to hear them talking shit about you. it's worse if you're black too. they take your transitioning personally, as if it reflected badly on them. i used to think it was just the boys, too. but there is a flip that takes place. once you get a bit better at it, the guys quiet down, and the girls call you out. the funniest thing is they all say the same thing too, as if their union prohibited them from ad libing. "that's a man!" every time. if they are really bugged by you, they repeat it, making sure everyone hears.

but they are only the loudest. having to look at people's faces when you come into view can be extremely painful. how can you forget the looks of revulsion? to see people wince, try not to stare, or to look away... it's the same thing they do to the disfigured or handicapped. in a sense, transitioning is a form of social disfigurement or handicap. last year one of my oldest friends fell off the roof of his apartment, and is a quadriplegic. before the accident, we would talk maybe once a year, now, we talk weekly or every other week. it's the freak club.

i was walking crushgirl to her bus stop after a movie, last week, and a guy started hitting on me. she laughed, "you ought to just tell him you've got a dick." "sure, if i want to get beat up." she explained that she was joking, but she's made that joke before, and it's never funny. it's painful. honestly, the thing i hate most about that comment is that it reminds me of something else you try not to look at directly when you are a transexual: the brutal truth. if people know you are transexual, for 90% of the people you know, you are a freak. you are not a woman, you are not a man, you're other. no matter how much you might think otherwise. is it any wonder the thing most trans people want most is to pass? out of one closet, and we'd just die to go back into another.

can you guess what comes in a close second? love. in this fucking lonely life we just want someone to understand, and love us... [le sigh] and it's made all the worse because of family and friends abandonment along the way. my life has been a revolving door, and i can't help but being clingy and insecure....

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