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About Me....

um... who me? uh i guess i'm the lounge's resident tranny. old school bustie formerly known as butta.

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 | Category: life
entry Jul 23 2007, 11:42 PM
the main reason it's been so good is that i realized i've got some really good people in my life. people who allow me to grow and change. i came to this realization when t came back into town. i was house sitting for her (cat hell week), and was just leaving her house when she arrived by taxi. i helped her bring her bags up and, while at first she offered to give me a ride to my place, she decided that she was hungry and wanted to go to lunch. i will never understand my friends capacity to put up with my perpetual brokeness. but they are super sweet and they do.

i have to admit i have a crush on t, but then, i have atleast a small crush on all of my girlfriends. i idolize and idealize them. i know their flaws, but do my level best to over look them, but more often than not i think they are just the shit. part of my crush on t has to do with her thick legs. i just love thick legs i love looking at them drawing them, touching them (not that i would do that to t, i'm just saying). that, however, is far from her only virtue. she is a graphic designer, and treats me as an artistic peer, even though i don't do art as an occupation. all the same she has been one of the biggest boosters of my art. she also loves much of the same music i do. not necc'ly current music, but we can talk about 80's soul/r+b, hip hop, and alt. it sounds like that is not a big deal but i love obscure music, and someone who loves ready for the world as much as i do....? well that's hard to find.

at lunch, she gave me the rundown on the soap opera that is her neighborhood. and it is a soap opera, trust me. the latest is a friend of hers whose hubby is sleeping with a girl who could only be described as certifiable.

it's good to talk to her. she, like me also has a love of all things odd, criminal or morbid. i put her up on a book that is a long time favorite of mine, luc sante's lowlife. which is a criminal history of turn of the century nyc. then we talked a mutual favorite book, geek love, and i talked about the b-day present i'm working on for her. it's about 2 years over due, but she doesn't mind. she is just happy that i'm making something one of a kind for her.

a few days later i am preparing to go over to my friend r's for the night. r used to be my madam, back when i was escorting. i also worked the phones for her business. i was actually kind of nervous to see her again. the last time we hung out she was getting off some bad meds she was addicted to, and, well it was ugly. she had moved back into town about 3 mos ago, and we had been mutually making and flaking on dates since she arrived. i think we were both a bit weary.

i had a bad feeling about the night, she moved in to the bottom floor of a house of some people who were also involved in the escorting business, a gay couple. they are nice guys, but well the three of them drink. hard. i don't really drink all that much anymore. i have three speeds: sober, buzzed, or vomiting, with not much space inbetween. so i am a slow drinker as much out of weariness as out of habit.

when she called me she asked if i was wearing a skirt. i said, i wasn't but she insisted i did, saying" i would never wear jeans if i had those long, beautiful legs, and that great ass... i could die happy." so i switched to my favorite skirt, a stretchy black pencil skirt that gives me an hour glass-ish figure. problem was, i had no underwear that i could use to tuck-- they were all dirty. no matter which i picked i would have a bit of a large bulge that was, if you looked closely, rather revealing....

she took about 2 hours to get to me (after complaining that i always took too long to get ready. hmph! as i try to explain to people, you have to give me a deadline. i've got an artist's temprament-- you give me too much time i start playing with my make up or finding flaws in what i'm wearing, and then we're off to the races. i've got to change everything.

i barely recognized her. she's lost a lot of weight, to be sure, but the kicker is that she's got her hair sandy beach-blonded. she's still wearing too much make up. in seattle a very defiant act-- women look at you like you're crazy for dressing up for most things, let alone wearing half the make up she does. the exception to the rule of course is if you are 'ethnic'. if you are black, latina, or asian, you can get dressed up for anything, but white people usually dress down. it's changing, of course.

this must be the 3rd of 4th wave of californians she's riding in on. shouldn't badmouth californians, since i moved up here from oakland/berkeley/san francisco more than 10 years ago. but, well i'm going to. californians have fucked this city up. but what do i expect. they fucked sf up. last time i visited the bay it liked to break my heart. my old hood, the mission had gone from being a beautiful little enclave island of latin culture. mexican, latin families crowded the sidewalks and low riders paraded by to a seranade of sunshine and ranchero music blaring out of every open window. every other shop sold super tacky furnature or taquerias.

when i last saw it had been ruined by that human termite/leach known as yuppies/dot-com-ers. they had turned the entire area to a horrible hive of condos and pretentious fucks, upscale boutiques and tiny fancy resturaunts. the only remant of mexican culture was the mission itself. the only thing they couldn't buy....

and so goes seattle. my old hood here of capitol hill has 3 new condos everytime i visit, and i heard that 3 of my favorite bars were closing because the people who owned the block were demolishing everything to make way for more-- ugh-- condos. everything that i love-- save the weather, which, luckily has gotten more surly-- is evaporating. two of those bars were quintessentially seattle-- one of them, linda's was a a bar with a neon light in the window that read :"fresh bait, tackle" the interior of it was like an old trucker bar-- a logger theme, with log walls and humble furnature. i remember when it opened. this was a city of dive bars. the rendevous got an up grade, sadly. it used to be an old mob bar, and had a little screening room where the movie owners would watch movies and get loaded while bidding on them. the room, i'm sure was once opulant, but had obviously fallen on hard, punk rock times. it also had an old cold locker that had been turned into a room for the hard core down and outers by adding a picnic table. yeah. the kind that you put in your back yard for the family to eat at durring the summer. picnic tables were not uncommon in seattle bars. one of the lone survivors of the traditional seattle dive bars is the legendary comet, which has a couple of the tables, along with 40 years worth of neglected graffiti, walls pockmarked with holes from bar brawls, thrown mugs, stray feet missing their targets of someone ass. i still miss places like the gibson, refuge of bike messengers, with it's sad, gaiety girl decor, menu of horrible chinese food, punk rock karaoke, and the biggest fishbowls of long island ice teas in town. ahhhh getting drunk for only $6.

how funny that i'm bitching about californians when half of my friends moved here from there.

r looks good. happy. for a second i day dream about when we were lovers, brief as it was. i miss her raspy, whiskey soaked voice, a strange counter point to her perky almost cheerleader-perky personality. and her smell. something and cigarettes. heh. i always did have a weakness for smokers.

she's my only friend who gets her nails done. all my friends give me grief and heckle me the 3 or 4 times a year i do. i'm glad she's back in town. she tells me i look beautiful. she hasn't seen me since i was early in my sounds nice to hear. i miss how she makes space for me to be myself at my most femme. the skirt is a case in point. she knows i rarely wear them, but insists on it. she knows me so well and i am glad of it. as much as i love my friends, i also keep things from them. my life has always been so compartmentalized. it can't be helped. after a while you figure out that most people have a fixed idea of you, and it only has so much elasticity-- and there is a breaking point. a lesson learned the hard way when i came out to my family and friends as trans....

she's a terrible driver. she's to busy telling me about her mom's questions about me, and where i am in my transition, and her hilarious attempts at being either polite or politically correct. r knew me back when i still stubbornly stuck with my boy name... even though i had boobs and lived full time. god, i really do always do things the hard way, don't i? she also fills me in on how the guy she's seeing is jealous that i'm going to be staying over, sleeping in her bed with her. i doubt anything would happen. we're just trying to figure out where we are, and if we still like each other to start....

we spend the night putting up fake ads on craig's list getting drunk. i wanted to do a goofy fetish ad titled "weenies n beanies" from a girl with a pork and bean fetish, but j, from upstairs insists we title the first ad, "feces pieces"

and we concoct the very revolting ad that follows:

i love to have it given to me hard, and if you don't mind a little mess, hell a LOT OF MESS, then you are the man i'm looking for! i want someone to fuck the shit out of me, and i've got a hotel room so we don't have to clean up! let's be poop flinging monkeys together!
what can brown do for you?

strangely there were no responses. i wonder why? r got restless and put in another ad. i was pissed because she got an ton of pix-- face pics-- wtf?!? i can post that i lost my puppy, and i will get nothing but dickpics! argh!

in the morning we hung out and had breakfast. she told me about her work. i am so proud of her. she has been working her ass off, and turned her life around. in a lot of ways, she's a role model for me, and it dawns on me that there has been a void in my life where she was. it's good to have friends like her. who let me be a different part of me, and at the same time inspire me. i am very glad she's back....

 | Category: life
entry Jul 19 2007, 10:07 AM
i've been housesitting for a friend for the last half week. i thought it would be nice to get away, but, well my friend has three cats, and since she left they have been puking up like it's a full time job. ugh. thank god today is the last day. no offense to any cat owners, but i've decided cats are disgusting.

 | Category: life
entry Jul 19 2007, 03:48 AM

today was the day of graduation from the welding program, and daddy was sweet enough to show up... bringing 2 dozen roses for me. before her, i never cared much for roses, they always seemed like the default flower, and most times the smell wasn't so strong-- it had been bred out of them. but daddy-- well daddy is obsessed with them. you show her most roses and she can tell you there name and can tell you how she knows by the thorns, rose size and strength of smell. but the thorns are mostly why she likes them. she is a sadist, after all. she picked out a really obscure breed of rose to plant all along her back fence. this particular strain of rose have a medium size bulb, but have a very strong smell, but lots of very long thorns. if anyone should try to climb over her fence, they won't make it far without getting into a world of hurt. i told you she was a sadist...

but that isnt why roses will always be linked to daddy for me. one of our first play sessions, she bought me 24 roses. she called all over town to find these roses-- they still had the thorns-- and they were long and very sharp. after a very romantic date, she took me to her bed room, took the head off of each rose and showered me with rose petals, then, me on all fours, proceeded to whip me with the thorny stems...

my skin stung for days...

i hated it... i loved it.

so naturally i was thinking of that when she brought these to my graduation. but most of the thorns had been bred to be extremely! lately i have been much more masochistic than usual (usually i'm not masochistic at all)), so i would have appreciated a rose whipping more now than i did on that first date. but today turned out to be more about daddy feeding me. i should explain, i've got a feeding fetish. like i need another quirk, right? but there is some thing really erotic about being fed to me,. i can feel it, physically-- butterflies in my stomach, chills all up and down my body-- i get weak in the knees, and i get very submissive. i can't help it. it just happens. one thing daddy figured out pretty quickly was that the way to my heart was through my mouth.... there is something about the way she talks to me when she feeds me. it melts me to my core. you never really know where your kinks really are until you trip over them, and when daddy offered to feed me years ago, i was just as suprized as she was that it literally gave me chills. even more so when she held the fork full of cake to my lips. i suppose this has to do with my body image too. i'm tall, model's build, size 6/8 but ideally, i'd love to be about size 12/14. i just think chubby/full figured women are more beautiful....

i've been trying to gain weight since i changed my meds. it's hard for me to gain weight. i usually forget to eat, or ignore it when i am hungry (like i am now), but i have been doing better and trying really hard. i actually gained 5 lbs in a week, only to lose 3lbs in less than two days. ugh. daddy wanted to take me some place to celebrate, but i am the perpetual cheap date. i know money is tight for her, so i feel awful when she wants to splurge on me. so i talked her into jack in the box. i got one of their biggest burger meals, and 2 tacos, then we went to a fancy upscale grocery store and got 3 different very rich desserts. i scarfed the jack in the box food down asap, and then daddy brought out the deserts. i got thru the first two, and half way thru the third, before i could eat no more. it has been so long since i'd eaten that much, and it felt amazing because of the feeding, but revolting for eating so much. but then daddy told me he was proud of me for eating so much , and i forgot everything but daddy's opinion. even with all the bullshit of looking for welding work, it was a great day. all this, roses, and someone who cares about me. somedays despite everything, i feel extremely lucky.

 | Category: life
entry Jun 23 2007, 11:49 PM
mood: mad.gif dry.gif

you know i try to stay all pro-lady most of the time, but occasionally some girl's gotta be a dick. i was at a friends wedding today. it was a retro affair. she's a burlesque dancer as are most of her friends, and of course they are all into the retro thing, and dresscode was tiki attire manditory. i was stressed out since yesturday trying to figure out what to wear since i knew all the other girls would be dressed to the nines, and when i got there i realized i had the perfect dress at home. i'd forgotten all about it. so i stuck with what i brought: i wore a halter with purple red and orange stripes (sounds ugly but it's really quite stunning. it's kind of a sharkskin material, a tight black pencil skirt with and a red and white silk scarf, retro black heels (round toe pumps with white piping and bows if you must know) i had spend last night putting my hair in curlers so it would look cute and retro-y without being labored over since, well, it's a weave and one that needs to be taken out at that. but i had been experementing with curlers , curling irons and hairspray for the last two months in anticipation of this, so i had it figured out. if you haven't seen the picture of me in the say cheese thread, my hair is black with cherry red underneath. it's been this way for going on the last 2.5-3 years. so the wedding was nice, they played that john prine song "inspite of ourselves" which is such a cute, funny, sweet love song. it's the hipster couple's theme. i knew a couple 15 years ago in sf who wanted to get married to that song. it really is sweet. so everything but the cake has been cut, and i sit at a table where there were some people who i didn't know but had met, and this girl and her husband sit at the table with two of her friends. by this time my shyness is starting to kick in, dispite my trying to keep it at bay by getting slightly liquored up. now this girl has hair that is similar to mine but instead of the under red/over black thing, she's got stripes (not highlights mind you). but it's red/black. i'm sitting there minding my own business and she makes this catty comment about buying hair and makes a motion indicating me, and her friends look my direction.

now, i'm thinking, really?

here you are, a burlesque dancer/ pin up model, you fly all over the country and get paid to have your picture taken, your married to a guy in a pretty well known band, and you need to cap on me?


seriously? i'm not half as beautiful as you, i'm a tranny for fucksake, and you need to make a catty comment about me? are you really that insecure? are you really so egocentric as to think that i was trying to copy you with my hair? do you really think you are the only person with that hair combonation of colors?


well, there's four things i can say for sure: 1). you know sometimes women suck. guys are rarely so petty. 2)you got some serious issues you need to work out. 3) i am glad i'm not you. cos: 4) lady, you suck.

 | Category: life
entry May 8 2007, 09:12 PM
dear home,

i'm feeling much better today. it's been hard for me to haul my ass to school the last couple of days. i've kind of given up. i've decided i want to get an apprenticeship when the program is thru, and last night i downloaded spfs of all the ones that looked interesting. i have yet to sort thru them. this morning i barely caught the bus, but i found the song "black ice (hymn to disco)" by k-os. i think it's my new theme song. it makes me really happy, which, i really need right now (you know, cos of the birthday problem). it was the first song i'd heard by them. i was expecting straight hip-hop, but they have this great way of using oldschool beats-- you know beats you've heard 1000 times before-- sampled off of james brown, thank kind of thing, but the new music makes it much more exciting. and the song sounds like disco, but not the cliche of disco, it's more of a rollerskate anthem, and those are more fun anyways. it's mostly singing, except the bridge has a short little rap by a guy with a british accent. it really is wonderful.

school was kinda dumb, first was financial counciling, which was kinda good, learned a lot, but well, it's not very sexy. our teacher j, has been sick the last couple of days, so mr squirrel taught us. um... i love mr squirrel, he treats me like a star pupil, in a subtle way, but if j looks and acts like jack lemon (and he does), the mr squirrel is ray liotta. he says the funniest shit, too. he came in the classroom before class with a huge grease stain over his right pocket going half way down his leg, so i asked him what happened cos it looked like he peed himself. he said, without missing a beat, "yeah, my depends broke. sad, but true." and he had this devilish grin on his face. later he was talking to a student, and he has this way of insulting everybody, but the person who is being insulted ends up laughing too. so this kid was talking and he says, yeah, well if bullshit was a brass band, you'd be making music." i can't remember all the things he said but i thought j was funny, he can't hold a candle to mr squirrel. plus, his name is mr. squirrel. what a fucking great name! i love talking to him cause it's another opportunity to say "mr squirrel!"

so there is this group of esl kids in the program that everyone has started to call the "bar-B-Q crew" after this one guy who everybody calls bar b q, because no matter what you are talking to him about, he looks at you like he's on another planet. really quite scary. especially since he has fucked up more equipment than any other students combined, and has fucked it up more completely than anyone else. i would not be suprized if someone in the crew lost a finger or more by the end of things.

yesturday i drew one of my cartoon girls on a work table that was all rusted. it looked beautiful, and i drew a bit more today, and it got me thinking, and i figured out a way to draw in negative on metal with the sandblaster. i can't really do it because i have to go to a vinyl sign making company to do it, but i don't see why it wouldn't work, add using some stressed metal for pattern and water to make it oxidize, and i think i have a new way of making my paintings. now to make it work... i'd like to incorperate the welding i'm trying to learn, but i can't see it but for the frames. i found some sheet metal in the scraps. it was from the side of a mig machine. it had a sticker and a company decal on it, so i cut it up, and i am going to make it into some sort of painting. i need to learn how to pinstripe. i have been looking at some things on line but the brushes are expensive....

math was a pain in the ass. i hate math and today i concentrated on converting dismals (sic) to fractions and back. k was showing me this pen she found. it had a pic of a burgular on it, and it said, "this pen was stolen from..." it was some place out of state, but she was feeling ornery, so she called the place and told the lady who answered that she was calling from seattle, and she had a pen that seemed to have found it's way to her. she knew that they must be concerned, and she wanted to know how she could get it back to it's rightful home. the woman on the other end processed this for a few seconds and then hung up. it was pretty funny.

after the welding day, i decided to skate to the skateshop. i thought i would treat myself to a new skateboard, since vic (victory from the pj harvey song, you know, "if i named her victory she'd make it...vic-to-ry!") should be retired before i run her into the ground. i was thinking about a drop skate with a lower riding deck to make things a bit easier on my knees. i have been looking on line for a few days and i was thinking about two models, both of them by landyachts:

the urban assault and the drop carve.
i was tempted to get one of those beautiful new boards that are out now that are all retro styled with beautiful simple lines, clear grip tape on the top so you can see the color and grain of the wood. they are reminiscant of old surf boards. as much as i love skateboard graphics, i love the simple beauty of these boards. here, see what i mean:
or better yet, here is a deck by arbor, whose decks are nothing if not beautiful:

thing is, i'm not a fan of the pintail and i want something a little less conservative, and the drop, as i said is easier on my aged the skateboard shop they had this loaded skateboard:

not much to look at, to be sure, but it's super thin, super light, and flexes like a mutha. add to that it had some randal downhill trucks...suffice to say carve wise you could hit somewhere between a 30-40 degree angle on a turn.
but it's too expensive, and since i am so tall, i need a wider wheel base. if i did a drop knee and tried a hard turn, my shoe would scrape a wheel and i'c go flying. but it was fun to look at.
the place didn't carry landyachts, so i would order it online, but the online folks are on vacation til memorial day...ugh.

so it looks like victory is it for a while unless i want to settle for something more conservative.....

anyways. i'm gonna go work on some sketches for the scrap i found earlier.


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sk8 boarding with a long board,
skateboard drifting
street art/stickers/graff/stencils
thriftin' and liftin'
asian cinema- particularlly korean films, movies from the 60's + 70's, screwball comedies of the 30s-40's, german expresionist film, horror and film noir, neo-noir, sci-fi particularly dystopias, self-reflexive film. film theory.
almost any genre of musics, particularly soul, r&b, jazz, blues, old, new and true school hip-hop, jump blues, jazz vocals, "incredibly strange music", "golden throats", odd covers, asian underground, cock rock, hair metal, j and k pop and hop, the "countrypolian" sound, rockabilly, surf, soundtracks and theme songs, swing, big band, lounge, tradional ez listening, bossa-nova, international pop.
subcultural histories. asian subcultures, american subcultures, historical tangents, politics,
gender theory, queer theory,
feminism, feminist theory, feminist film theory,
transgendered issues.

and welding! yay for OAW!!!!

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