It’s always great to start off the day with a blood-boiling-ly bigoted piece of writing. It fuels the flames of feminism and reminds me why I still care, and why everyone else should care, about women's issues. Today, my inspiration wasn't hard to find: I bring to you one man’s take on how to spot a "slut." As it turns out, top-tier news source ReturnOfKings.com is offering up 24 simple signs that you can look for if you think a gal might just be begging for your charming male companionship. Let’s analyze a few of the most poignant points...
"1. Has tattoos"
Well, duh! I know I definitely got my deeply-personal ink for the sole purpose of showing it off at the sports bar and attracting hoardes of menfolk who already know I'm DTF because I have Radiohead lyrics on my arm.
"2. Has 'slut face'"
Some girls are just born with a face that says “disrespect me” am I right or am I right? Yes, certainly no outside factors play in to the level of promiscuity with which a woman chooses to live her life. It’s all about things she has no control over like the size of her lips or the shape of her nose. Biology, people!
"7. Has Big Tits"
Like I said before, some things are just nature's doing. And really, if a woman has large breasts there can be no doubt that she just adores all of the male attention she has been receiving since pre-adolescence. Surely she will feel wonderfully attracted to you when you make note of her chest area and simultaneously emulate her creepy uncle.
"19. Is an artist, or a wannabe “model” who has done “photo shoots.”
What those artistic types really need is a man who has never heard of Picasso to make them stop brooding all the time...
"22. Describes herself as a feminist or with any of its jargon (“pansexual,” “demi-sexual,” “cis-gendered”).
Okay, I am going to have to cut with the sarcastic hoopla because this one makes so little logical sense that merely re-reading it has lowered my capacity to function. By this man’s credo, a woman who works for a world in which she won’t be oppressed by the opposite sex will be more likely to rashly consent to sexual activity with the aforementioned opposite sex? More specifically, with a man like the one who wrote this?
I’m not sure what’s more pleasurable, rolling my eyes at this article, reading the comment section (“Feminists getting seizures. Hands down.”), or knowing that my vibrator will get the job done better than this guy ever could.
(No) Thanks to Return of Kings