Say you're walking from Social Spot A to Social Spot B with a group of three other friends. There's a brief, comfortable lapse in conversation. How likely are you to take the moment to assign everyone their counterparts from Girls/Sex and the City? Be true:
a) What? That's bizarre. I don't even watch those shows.
b) Ha – I think I've played that game at a party once or twice, but only for giggles.
c) Pretty likely. Especially if we're new friends, then it's kind of an icebreaker.
d) I unabashedly assign everyone television counterparts all the time. Like, strangers, too. And I am always Hannah/Carrie.
Image courtesy of AMCTV.
How addicted do you feel to Facebook?
a) Not addicted at all. I either don't have one, or I only use my page to promote my poetry readings/band.
b) I check it maybe three times a day on average. It's whatever, I like seeing babies and weddings.
c) I check it a lot. I have the app. I really keep meaning to get rid of it, though.
d) I check it a lot, I have the app, this is the 21st century. #SRYNOTSRY
Image courtesy of The Oatmeal.
If you had to select any of the lines below as the intro to your 'Self Summary' on OkCupid.com, which would you choose?
a) Really more interested in face-to-face chemistry...so just here for friends, I guess.
b) Tall, goofy introvert seeks like-minded amigo to talk books and play 'Would-you-rather.'
c) Hey universe! Just looking for fun on here. Erm...no scrubs. About me: I'm told I look like Mia Farrow, but my personality's more Daria? Points if you get the reference :-)
d) ETSP, aspiring Vegan foodie, hyper-Liberal Pisces seeks like-minded TDH for Netflix binges. HMU!!
Image courtesy of the Pulpzine.
How many articles/essays about PARTICULARLY TWENTYSOMETHING or PARTICULARLY THIRTYSOMETHING malaise do you retweet on Facebook or Twitter? In a week?
a) Ugh, that whole culture is so up-its-own-butt.
b) Every now and then they're sort of intelligent. I will read the big long-forms with stuff to say about the unemployment crisis.
c) Not gonna lie, those are sort of my Kryptonite. Every time I come across one of those 'You Know You're in Your Twenties If...' guys I just yell 'Yes!' at my computer for long stretches. So...a lot.
d) Probably too busy writing my own articles? Girl's gotta blog.
Image courtesy of Allgroanup.com
How many articles/essays about PARTICULARLY THIRTYSOMETHING or PARTICULARLY THIRTYSOMETHING malaise do your parents email you? In a week?
a) Those cats don't use the e-mails.
b) None. But I do get a fair amount of grad school fliers, and occasionally announcements for other peoples' babies.
c) Like one or two? With a little ':-/' face attached at the bottom, though.
d) Don't keep track. Anyone else ever feel like they could use a PA for all their e-mail??
Image courtesy of epguides.com
When was the last time you read a book?
a) Immediately. I'm reading a book on my lap as I take this stupid quiz, and it's so heavy it's hurting my legs.
b) This morning, read a chapter of a novel on the way to work. PS, this quiz is starting to feel a tad judgmental.
c) January, I wanna say? I do a fair amount of Kindle trawling, though.
d) High-school. Print is dead. #SRYNOTSRY
Image courtesy of Company.
When was the last time you went outside?
a) I'm outside now.
b) Lunch hour, yesterday.
c) Does moving between two places count?
d) Will you give me a break? It's practically still winter.
When was the last time you quoted more than two minutes of a movie's dialogue to someone at a party?
a) I hate parties.
b) It was the Gandalf-falls scene from Lord of The Rings, and we did it on the roof. Oh man, that party was fun...
c) It was the whole last twenty minutes of Mean Girls. Oh man, that party was fun...
d) No movie, but my friend said he hadn't seen House of Cards and didn't care about spoilers so I paraphrased the whole thing. That was this morning.
Image courtesy of Skreened.
You've got this really bad cold that won't go away! So you:
a) Gargle with apple cider vinegar, take two hits of Echinacea plus a bulb of garlic, and then engage in some serious snuggle time with the dogs. Works every time.
b) Fill all the water bottles with Emergen-C, and then start e-mailing people to let them know I'm sick. Two days R&R is crucial, and I refuse to go to work.
c) Make a doctor's appointment.
d) Go on WebMB and take all the instructions I find there literally.
Preferred news source?
a) The national daily newspaper I have a print subscription to, and various snarky weeklies with a low circulation. NPR when I'm in the car.
b) The online-subscriber version of the same national daily newspaper, and the vast expanse of the internet. NPR when it occurs to me.
c) All the big sites. You know...I jump around.
d) Twitter, as I like to curate my news.
Be true: how many of your jokes are contingent on 90s cultural references?
b) Ha! Like 15%.
d) 0%. This is the aughts...
Image courtesy of Tito Goldstein.
This was a bad day. You fought with the SO, are on thin ice at work, and – worst of all – someone just gave you a MEALY APPLE. Which of these links do you click on, in your hour of darkness?
a) LOOK AT WHAT THESE CATS DO WHEN CONFRONTED WITH A STEAMING HOT PLATE OF CHEESE!!
b) Ten Rejection Letters Now-Famous Artists Received
c) Ten Elegant Country Homes You'll Never Be Able to Afford
d) Beyonce's Got a New Video, and This One is Arty As HELL.
Image courtesy of Dreamgrow.
You're very nearly self-righteous about the rock you live below, though this contempt for mankind is nearly earned – you're smart, you're driven, and you hold everyone you meet to the same vigorous intellectual and spiritual standards as you hold yourself. But lady, hold on! While it's spectacular that you know so well who you are and therefore what an internet quiz can and cannot tell you about yourself (IYHO, exactly diddly squat), this constant judging of the wave is its own brand of quiz. It can be damaging to be so closed off and judgmental; you rid yourself of the ability to be pleasantly surprised. Believe that the internet – like most people! – is not all bad. Wasn't that cat video delightful?
Congrats, friend. You are self-actualized. You know how and when to indulge, but are more likely to direct your big cat curiosity towards the world at large. Your BS-ometer is in working order. It's actually remarkable that you're able to float above others' opinions so well, and something you ought to hold on to all your life. You take exactly the right amount of internet quizzes, and you let them affect your life exactly the right amount. Go now. Be free, you hot, nerdy, nut.
Dear, dear, lady – you display the most irritating trait in an addict: an elastic sense of denial. You haven't quite figured out who you are yet, as independent of all the kinds of people the internet tells you you might be – and as a result you hide behind cheek, constant questions and a self-deprecating brand of humor that fools no one. You reference and compare so frequently because you haven't explored the pieces of your personality that aren't so easily categorized. My rec? Stop taking online quizzes, full stop. Redirect your giant brain towards Etsy and Pinterest, Reddit and StumbleUpon and mostly BUST, venues for finding the nifty and new. Rediscover what you like; rediscover what you're like. Then, you won't need a quiz.
You're honest, to the point, and you don't affect to be guilty about the things that give you pleasure. You merely R Who U R, an obvious byproduct of Gen Me and a woman with a strong personality. So, congratulations. Your kind will definitely inherit the earth.
But chiggitycheckyourself, regardless: there's a lot you can learn from cultural phenoms pre-dating Y2K and, you know, other people. While I'm guessing you take quizzes for a kind of mechanic jolly, consider letting some of the comparisons in. You are more than your marketing potential. Be curious about other lives and ideas, and your own will expand.