In honor of this season’s amazingly bizarre American Horror Story: Coven, Vulture has created some crazy cool tarot cards that you can include in your next reading/secretly carry around with you EVERYWHERE. Behold in their glory below:
Warning: POTENTIAL SPOILERS
For Kathy Bates’ sadist-turned-maid Delphine LaLaurie, the Hanged Man. Even though she’s probably (definitely) the most awful mother/human to ever exist, she’s still rockin’ that purple dress—upside down, mind you.
Marie Laveau aka the freakin’ amazing/gorgeous/never-aging wonder, Angela Bassett, is very appropriately The Empress. All she’s missing is her iPad to play solitaire like the BAMF she is.
Poor, poor Cordelia Foxx (Sarah Paulson), who is having the perpetually worst day ever, is the peaceful Temperance. Although, it’s unclear just how peaceful she’ll be now that half her face is burned off, she’s blind, and she's newly aware of her husband’s adultery. (Don’t you hate it when that happens?)
Fiona Goode, played by Jessica Lange, (the queen of everything forever and ever no matter what she does) is the lustful Devil; please note Spalding beneath her rockin’ a cool new necklace! I wish he had some of his beloved dolls to keep him company down there.
Evan Peters’ Kyle (who is tied with Cordelia for having the saddest life ever) and Taissa Farmiga’s Zoe are the star-crossed Lovers. Sorry to be the worst but…DIDN’T THEY ONLY TALK FOR, LIKE, 15 MINUTES AT A FRAT PARTY?? Plus, she tried to poison him last week, which isn’t exactly romantic.
Madison Montgomery (Emma Roberts) is The Magician, and here’s hoping she can magic-spell her way out of death. Unfortunately, it might be hard to hold that wand now that her arm’s been delightfully ripped off by Spalding. (Also important: red solo cup +1000.)
Misty Day (Lily Rabe) is The Hermit, which works because she is wise and lives in a random muddy shack in the middle of nowhere, most likely twirling endlessly à la Stevie Nicks.
Myrtle Snow, played by the fabulous Frances Conroy, is fair Judgement, which is problematic because she might be a crazy stalker looking for vengeance, though she most recently existed as burnt dog food.
Finally, Nan (Jamie Brewer) is the Star (although she seems to have a moon on her hat) and possibly only sane character left, while Gabourey Sidibe’s Queenie is the, as Vulture puts it: “often deceived (and deceiving!)” kick-ass Moon.
What do y’all think? Do the AHS characters match their tarot archetypes? Will Franken-Kyle and Zoe be able to salvage their seemingly doomed relationship? Is Madison really dead? Will Spalding get a haircut?
Let us know below!
Thanks to Vulture
Images via Vulture