Hello Kitty is a fictional character produced by the Japanese company Sanrio. First drawn by artist Yuko Shimizu, Hello Kitty has become a quintessential part of Japanese-Kawaii culture. We’ve seen this little white bobcat everywhere, from middle schoolers’ pencil cases to 42ndStreet, blown up extra large as a balloon for the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.
The real Hello Kitty magic however, is contained on their website, sanrio.com, where they have a list of almost 100 different products ranging from vaguely normal such as hair clips and bento boxes, to absolutely absurd, such as roller skates and badminton rackets. I’ve compiled a list of the top 10 most absurd Hello Kitty items that you simply cannot live without.
1) Various Food Shaped Plushies
While there is a large assortment of Hello Kitty plushies, and good percentage of these plushies feature Hello Kitty holding various food items, (cause what’s cuter right?) These three plushies take food-plushies to the next level, actually transforming Hello Kitty’s face into a pretzel, pizza slice and piece of sushi. What makes these cute is that they are kinda creepy, especially the face-less pretzel, but you can’t help but want to squeeze one, AND eat food simultaneously. Anything that evokes not only the physical response of hunger, but also the emotional response of wanting to cuddle, makes me question if Black Magic is at play.
2) License Plate Screws
When you see one of those cars, you know, the ones completely decked out in Hello Kitty Merch, license plate covers are nothing shocking. It’s one thing to get hanging hello kitty dice, or steering wheel covers, but the die-hard fans care about the little details, the nuts and bolts if you will. On sanrio.com they actually sell tiny screws with Hello Kittyfaces for you to secure your license plate cover onto your car. Yes, you need that.
3) Joan of Arc-esque Plush Hood
No, these are not hoods connected to jackets they are simply hoods that very much resemble a chain mail coif hood made famous by the Knights of the Round Table and our home-girl Joan of Arc. These hoods serve the functional purpose of keeping our head and neck warm simultaneously, in one article of clothing, because why do we even bother with scarves andhats when it’s cold outside, amIright?
4) Puppy Hat
Because your dog is gonna get jealous when he sees your cool plush coif, right? I mean, I’ve never met a dog that didn’t absolutely love wearing all sorts of accessories -- they never try to fight you, or chew up any hats or shoes you put on them ever. Sarcasm aside, while your dog might hate you for doing this to him, IT’S JUST TOO CUTE! And I mean, you pick up their poop, the least they can do is wear a hat, like, come on pups.
5) Bulky Ipad Case
What I love most about this Ipad case is that it makes your iPad sorta look like the Hello Kitty’s mouth, which is never ever visible in the normal drawing of Hello Kitty. Instead of your average no-mouthed Hello Kitty you get Hello Kitty giving the largest square shaped smile, which happens to be playing Orange is the New Black (Season 2 premiere on June 6th…just sayin) for your viewing pleasure. Seeing Hello Kitty with such a large mouth totally reminds me of Totoro, and it’s vaguely functional!
Hello Kitty makes the best kitchen supplies; the adorable pink microwave in the BUST office is a testament to this. And while a large majority of Hello Kitty kitchen products are quintessential to Japanese culture, such as chopsticks, rice paddles and Soy Sauce containers, they include very random but functional items such as spatulas and tongs for all consumers. I will give them credit, if you go into any Bed Bath and Beyond or Anthropology, adorable measuring cups are everywhere, but Hello Kitty has really capitalized on the untapped market of grilling supplies. I applaud them for that. Grilling is kawaii too!
7) USB Handwarmers
Don’t you hate when your hands are cold but you find difficulty typing on your keyboard with gloves or mittens. Well, Hello Kitty does it again, providing not only an answer, but also a cute one at that, and these babies are USB charged! Trust me, even if they look a tad ridiculous, haters will only be hating because they are jealous and have cold hands.
8) Desk Cleaner
I’m not 100% sure how this thing really works. But I gather that it’s like a stationary roomba. It has a fan and bristles that are supposed to pick up dust on your desk, and while serving a very functional purpose I’ve yet to see these at any OfficeMax -- so get this while you can and while it’s on sale. It says designed for ages 13 and up, and even if that’s just a legal thing, I’d like to imagine 13-year-old geniuses that work 9-5 office jobs would just HAVE to have these.
9) Chia Pet
Now lets get real, the 90’s are back. Despite it being 2014 we’re seeing scrunchies and dungarees run rampant. But what about Chia Pets? Well Hello Kitty has got you. If you’re feeling nostalgic or you just wanna buy one to be ironic, you can get a chia pet to match your Hello Kitty obsession. And oh my word, I just realized that the chia seeds I got from WholeFoods to eat must be the chia seeds that are what makes these pets, exist…
While not available on sanrio.com, your kitty needs can now satisfy your other kitty needs, if you know what I’m saying *cue laugh track*. I’m a huge fan of sexual liberation and discovery, but sex toys can be super intimidating. Now you can have your good ole pal Hello Klitty to help lead the way to the magical world of masturbation, and I think that’s absolutely wonderful, meeeoowww.